Oct 19, 2020


The Monday Knee Jerk Reaction: AFL Finals Week Three


Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You’ve come to the right place.


Port Adelaide (40) v Richmond (46)

This was the pick of the weekend’s games, despite Channel Seven accidentally broadcasting the Richmond commentary feed.

For large parts of the game, if you closed your eyes, you would have had trouble knowing another team was out there, in fact, you’d have had trouble knowing anyone else was out there except Dustin Martin.

Not that Dusty isn’t a fantastic player and one of the greatest finals players ever, but the non-stop orgasmic joy in the commentary box when he’s within 100 meters of a contest is a bit much.

I’ve lived a long life and I’ve never been that excited about anything, and I once got 20 chicken McNuggets when I ordered ten, so it’s not like I don’t know pure joy.

It was a shame because Port was in this game all the way through, only their kicking for goal and not handling the pressure of the key moments stopped them winning this. I hope Port fans don’t spend all summer dwelling on that.

Richmond really handled the pressure. A lot of finals experience really showed when it mattered, they took their opportunities when Port didn’t.

If playing FIFA has taught me anything, and it’s taught me everything, it’s keeping your cool in big moments is what’s important. That and having the game set on amateur.

Port can at least take from this season that they’ve got great young players, and never dropped their pressure all night against the reigning premiers. Play this game again and they could easily win it.

Plus, they’ve got that wonderful pre-game ritual of singing that INXS song, a tradition so spine-tingling that no less than Liverpool Football Club have copied it.

Special mention must be made of Brad Ebert who will retire after suffering a concussion in the game. Many say a premiership is the mark of a great player but giving your all to your club over your career, getting everything out of your talent, leaving nothing on the field, is the true mark of a great player.

Port fans should be congratulated for their behaviour, with only one throwing a drink on Tom Lynch, which is way less than we all predicted.

Richmond’s performance was terrific, they won at Port’s home ground, in a season that’s seen them on tour longer than The Rolling Stones.

I know everyone is so excited at the thought of them winning their third premiership in four years.


Brisbane (42) v Geelong (82)

If Richmond winning a flag doesn’t excite you, I know Patrick Dangerfield winning one will. Either way, it will be nice to see one of these long-suffering group of fans finally get a premiership.

The Channel Seven commentary team will be a hot mess calling Dangerfield, ‘The Little Master’ and Dustin Martin in one match. They’ll need to hose the commentary box down between quarters.

It will make the whole experience the closest thing to torture most of us will ever go through. At least the lockdown won’t be the worst thing we’ll go through this year.

Geelong has gotten a lot of criticism for folding in finals recently, but this year they’ve done the best thing to end that, they’ve won finals. In footy, winning fixes everything.

In footy, there’s nothing better than ending a hoodoo, mainly because footy is the only place that still uses the word hoodoo.

Against Brisbane they were all business, from early on they controlled the game and each time the Lions threatened to get back into the match, they simply didn’t let them.

Geelong did it all. Patrick Dangerfield even set up a goal with a throw Cameron Smith would have been proud of.

The AFL has turned a blind eye to throws a lot this year, so it’s nice to see them get rid of the pretence it’s still illegal altogether.

Brisbane certainly tried to get back into the game, despite the sense the magnitude of the match overwhelmed them.

Newly minted Brownlow Medallist Lachie Neale tried his best to get the Lions back into it, but the task was too much even for him.

Geelong was too organised, and their second and third-tier players, so often the weak link in their side, has become a strength this year.

It is the first time since 2011 two Victorian teams will contest a Grand Final, not that that means anything to me. I never get the pro-Victorian stance some fans take; I hate all opposition sides with an intensity that could blackout the Sun.

Plus, any policy that could see you barracking for Collingwood is a terrible one.

Unfortunately for Victorians, we won’t be celebrating the day in any meaningful way, Victoria’s contact chasing team appears to be being rebuilt by the same people who are rebuilding Carlton.

I was feeling very flat yesterday when I learnt I can’t do anything on Grand Final day, but then I remembered a bit of grass from the MCG is being driven to Queensland in a refrigerated truck to be sewn into the Gabba surface and it made up for everything.

My new book Cheat: The Not-so-subtle Art of Conning Your Way to Sporting Glory is now available for pre-order. 

At the moment I’m barely able to work, so you can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. It’s greatly appreciated. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus



Oct 19, 2020

"only their kicking for goal and not handling the pressure of the key moments stopped them winning this." and yet their 6 point lost was due to 6 less shots at goal. The score flattered Port.

The Ho Brothers (Brayden, Brody and Brock)

Oct 19, 2020

"footy is the only place that still uses the word hoodoo."



Oct 19, 2020

"everyone is excited at the thought" (of Richmond winning the premiership). Titus, excitement is a positive & joyful thing - obviously you were taught a different meaning.


Oct 19, 2020

"I was feeling very flat yesterday when I learnt I can’t do anything on Grand Final day" - as if you had any other plans...


Oct 19, 2020

Now now Titus, stay funny, don't go all salty on us...


Oct 19, 2020

Very good Titus.
I read a comment yesterday that said "if Bruce and BT were school teachers, the child protection agency would have been called long ago to deal with their unhealthy infatuation of Dusty". It's just sickening.


Oct 19, 2020

Again, two "interstate" teams in the GF. Getting sick of it.
"They’ll need to hose the commentary box down between quarters." I laughed out loud - and then realised how disgusting a thought that is. Well done!

Barry Denton

Oct 19, 2020

Port Adelaide fans singing INXS was so good even we Richmond fans joined in albeit waving different scarfs


Oct 19, 2020

When the grand final is over can Bruce
Mac use the same out door the labour gov in Queensland will be exiting through.
Please save us from another year of his dribble


Oct 19, 2020

Such a culturally astute analysis of Australian football until American "gotten" got to you.

Real World

Oct 19, 2020

Contact tracing" is indeed a tongue twister as any number of newsreaders have found out this year.

Though i am not sure what the typing equivalent of tongue twister is but Titus has contracted it, or should that be contacted it?
"Victoria’s contract chasing team appears to be being rebuilt by the same people who are rebuilding Carlton."

Contract chasing - isn't that what dozens of footballers are doing now that the season is over?


Oct 19, 2020

Few things gives one more pleasure than getting extra nuggets from Maccas, beats the free horrible tea latte from the Chinese Restaurant hands down!


Oct 19, 2020

Actually, Gotten is a perfectly good English word that, for some reason, the UK abandoned a couple of centuries ago and replaced with got, but the US kept.


Oct 19, 2020

Your writing about Richmond this year has suffered greatly from the fact your salt levels are far outweighing you comedic level.

Every week... It's just a whinge, and even most of those arent overly realistic. Write jokes, don't be them.

the g train

Oct 19, 2020

There are a fair amount of rational phrases written by Titus amidst the irrational hysteria. What’s going on??

At the risk of sounding sentimental, wouldn’t mind seeing Garry Ablett JNR (Sorry, Sorry, Sorry—The Little Master) walking away with a premiership medal.

Joe Abercrombie says it all: “It's not easy is it? Being a great man's son”.


Oct 19, 2020

The Channel Seven commentary team will be a hot mess calling Dangerfield, ‘The Little Master’ and Dustin Martin in one match. They’ll need to hose the commentary box down between quarters.

Funniest thing I've read in a long time. Keep up the great work.


Oct 19, 2020

Yeah good call Jason. Port fluked wins all year, fluked topping the ladder, fluked beating Geelong, fluked making the Prelim and fluked only losing by 6 points. No respect deserved for them. Not much to look forward to either.


Oct 19, 2020

Tighter odds than Lachie Neale winning the Brownlow that upon the final siren the first camera shot will be on either 1) Dustin Martin or 2) Patrick Dangerfield. The AFL media love a story .


Oct 19, 2020

The commentators get orgasmic when Dusty steps off the team bus pre-game. They also orgasm over the new "Rance", Dylan Grimes.
Wil be nice to see the non-Victorian team, Geelong win.


Oct 19, 2020

2 thoughts
Port were the better team on the night, not helped by bad kicking and appalling umpiring.....actually, it goes back to the week before. Neither Crotchin' or Lynch should have been on the field. Seems that the commentators, MRO + umpires are well and truly kindred spirits.
Originally, "The Little Master" was Clive Churchill, a Rabbitohs legend of yesteryear, and after whom one of the stands at the SCG is named.....but I love GA Jnr and hope that he'll have both a Norm Smith + fresh Premiership medallion by close of business on Saturday night.

John Nicholls

Oct 19, 2020

If he had some integrity, Gary Ablett Jnr would be playing for the Suns.

Old Keith 49

Oct 19, 2020

Being from Adelaide, AFL GF will be spent watching the game at home with friends as usual. The good old days of the Footy Marathon on Ch 7 from around 11pm to 6am then straight to the North Melbourne Breakfast followed by U19s GF, then the Reserves GF then the main game .....with a few zzzzzz's in between, are sadly behind us. Gone is the roar of 100k + crowd at the "G" ... well until next year anyway. The best 4 teams played off in the prelims and Port & Brisbane could consider themselves unlucky not to be there, but Geelong & Richmond would claim they had as much right to get through.

So, nothing on TV until 4pm which is normally half way through the 3rd quarter and I've hopefully paced myself to last until the first bounce rather than the final siren. I'm looking forward to watching the game but will tape it in case my eye lids become heavy.

Well done on your take on the hysteria that was AFL 2020 Titus. I thought I was going to go mad until I started reading your Monday Knee Jerk Reaction and realised I wasn't alone. Thank you for writing the truth as I'm over journo's who suggest evil doings at a club but can't divulge the source from fear of retribution .... eh? ... wouldn't happen on Roy Rogers watch

Miss Heard

Oct 19, 2020

As I was listening and watching the game on Saturday night, I thought the commentators said, "The little bast ... ed" to describe GA jnr. But once they started saying so often - I had to leave the room to drive the porcelain bus. I might adopt what I misheard for viewing pleasure on Sunday next.

Not a feline fan

Oct 19, 2020

I think your jokes are great and the more you mention Richmond with 'salty' vitriol -- the better you are!

Loving Damo's comment above: yet again, two 'interstate' teams in the GF. I'm pretty sure Gill and the AFL were hoping they could dine out on: "Remember that year when there were two non-Victorian teams in the GF, so we played it away from the MCG."

I don't know what's worse: having to choose which feline to cheer for in the GF or phoning UberEats for Maccas delivery and hoping for some extra nuggets, only to be let down by both.

Flank Rroyd Wlight

Oct 19, 2020

"Actually, Gotten is a perfectly good English word that, for some reason, the UK abandoned a couple of centuries ago and replaced with got, but the US kept."

True. And it's moving in the opposite direction as well. One example is Americans dropping the -en from bitten ("I was bit by a dog").


Oct 19, 2020

Hopefully we'll all miss the Grand Final as we did the Brownlow.
"What? it's on a Sunday night?"
How puke-inspiring are Bruce and BT when it comes to Dustbin Martin, " a lot?" correct answer.
He's actually a scumbag, but he can play football.
Still a scumbag.
Danger? Arrogant flog. But he can play football, so all is forgiven.
Please retire, Bruce. This week. Before the game.
Anyhow, Great work this year Titus, maybe I'l get your new book in me Christmas stocking.


Oct 19, 2020

‘A throw Cameron Smith would’ve been proud of’. I’ve been saying exactly that since Saturday night and expect a royalty of some sort. Or a coaster.


Oct 19, 2020

Given that all the clubs have got to cut staff and players surely channel 7 could do us all a favour and reduce the squad number , retire the people at the end of their careers and enter the draft for people who just call games.

F. Carlton Collingwood IV

Oct 19, 2020


Well said.

Saint Peter

Oct 20, 2020

Well done Titus, you nailed the Channel 7 commentary team. How the execs at 7 can't hear the crap that comes out of their mouth is astounding. And nailed the Port crowd as well. Great stuff.

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