Jun 28, 2021

AFL

The Monday Knee Jerk Reaction: AFL Round Fifteen

27 Comments

Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You’ve come to the right place.

Thursday

Brisbane (94) v Geelong (50)

I don’t know about you, but I watch footy for the umpiring, and the 37 free kicks in the first half just made this game so exciting.

What should have been a close match, ended up being just Brisbane belting the living suitcases out of the Cats.

The Lions had them beat everywhere. When it got physical, the Lions were tougher, when it got fast, they were faster, and when it came to scoring, well, Geelong just couldn’t.

This was the most surprising thing. Hawkins, Cameron and Rohan have been on an absolute tear recently, but against the Lions, they looked about as threatening as quiche.

At the other end, Joe Daniher kicked accurately. I know, I was as surprised to write that sentence as you are to read it. He finished with 4.1, and Charlie Cameron finished with three.

I’ve devoted significant column space before to the volume of imaginary greenhouse gases Cameron’s imaginary motorbike releases after every goal.

Since raising this, I’ve had no response from the Lions about them encouraging him to switch to an imaginary electric motorbike.

Even more alarming is I’ve noticed Cameron’s motorbike appears to have two throttles as he moves both hands to rev the engine.

This seems to suggest Cameron is taking artistic license with his imaginary motorbike, which affects the realism of the celebration and my ability to enjoy it. Disappointing.

Friday

Richmond (22) v St Kilda (62)

Everyone watching this game was just waiting for the moment that the Tigers would pull themselves together and overrun the Saints.

It was just meant to happen. Like the Sun coming up, or the Match Review Committee making an illogical decision.

Richmond are so professional and St Kilda are the gold standard when it comes to disappointing their fans. There should have been only one possible outcome.

But like waiting for the vaccine rollout to suddenly get its act together, it never happened.

Instead, St Kilda held Richmond to their lowest score since 1961.

Yes, none of this makes sense.

St Kilda, it should be stated, were fantastic. They delivered four quarters of effort, leaving their fans both ecstatic and a little annoyed they’ve waited until Round Fifteen to show this level of endeavour. 

Richmond was spectacularly awful. Their much-vaunted pressure game wasn’t there and to say their skills resembled an Auskick clinic is an insult to Auskickers.

I mean, Melbourne City scored more goals on the weekend than Richmond.

The Tigers also picked up some key injuries, making this the worst weekend for Richmond fans in years.

I don’t want to overreact, but not only can Richmond not win the premiership this year; the shame of this loss voids all their previous premierships.

As for St Kilda, it’s hard not to see them go all the way this season.

Saturday

Collingwood (79) v Fremantle (91)

Collingwood have not won a single game since they moved on Nathan Buckley, a damning statistic if there ever was one.

Even worse, since Robert Harvey took over, the Pies have never defeated Fremantle, and that trend continued here.

I was doubtful that Fremantle could win this when it was announced Nat Fyfe was a late out, but to my surprise, it turns out the Dockers do have other players.

Collingwood looked like drifting to a loss for much of this until the fourth quarter began, and they piled on five goals.

Unfortunately for them, the Dockers kicked four in that quarter. Due to Fremantle kicking more goals in the first three quarters, this meant the Dockers won.

I’m glad you come to me for this level of insight.

North Melbourne (72) v Gold Coast (63)

I watched this and I can honestly say it wasn’t as painful as I thought it was going to be.

I mean it wasn’t good, but it didn’t make me lose the will to live. Who says I can’t be positive?

After being belted by Port Adelaide, the Suns got on the booze, so who knows what gear they’ll get on after this loss.

Yes, they had outs, but North are bottom of the ladder for a reason, that reason being they’re not very good.

The Suns ‘brand’ of footy is to appear exciting while consistently not winning. They’ve really nailed this.

6719 people turned up to Blundstone Arena, proving Tasmanians will show up if two good teams are playing and will not if it’s two bad teams.

How weird! They’re so different down there.

Port Adelaide (81) v Sydney (71)

Once again, Scott Lycett has won Port Adelaide a game, with a match-winning goal.

In an exciting game, the Power looked in control until Buddy Franklin decided to go ballistic, booting goals, chasing down opponents.

It was a reminder that Franklin in full flight is terrifying.

If I was playing footy and saw Buddy chasing me, I would throw the ball up into the air and sprint into the stands screaming ‘help!!!’ at the top of my lungs.

This isn’t complete speculation. I did this once when playing footy, except it wasn’t Buddy but an overweight, very unfit plumber named Keith.

Despite Buddy’s heroics, Port were just a bit more composed across the four quarters, plus they weren’t playing a premiership contender.

Essendon (57) v Umpires (68)

The Bombers were cruising towards an enormous victory in this one, until the AFL hierarchy, who have been long involved in a conspiracy to destroy the Essendon Football Club, told the umpires to make sure Melbourne won.

Sunday

Greater Western Sydney (72) v Hawthorn (90)

While the rest of the country are focused on the increasingly worsening Covid situation across the country, I’m focused on the continuing improvement of the Hawthorn Football Club, a much scarier development.

This game was moved from Sydney due to the outbreak and subsequent lockdown in NSW.

You can predict lockdowns by looking at changes to the AFL fixture, they always know well before the media and public have been informed.

In this case, I think the AFL knew about the lockdown before the NSW State Government.

I’m surprised the NSW government did eventually go into lockdown; I’d always assumed it was something only communist governments did.

The Giants problem is they rely on a few (mainly Toby Greene) to do spectacular things to get them over the line.

The problem in this one is Tim O'Brien was the one doing something spectacular.

His mark in the second quarter involved him having to negotiate re-entry into the Earth’s orbit after taking a stunning mark.

It was stunning both in its athletic skill and the fact he’s still alive.

West Coast (43) v Western Bulldogs (98)

The Eagles have been dropping very strong hints about their mediocrity this season, but in case you weren’t getting the message, they delivered this.

It was like screaming into a megaphone, place against your ear, ‘We aren’t very good!’

Fans were locked out of this because apparently no vaccines have been invented to stop Covid.

It was probably a blessing, in the end, to not watch your team get run over without so much as a whimper.

The Bulldogs kicked 13.20, making the 55-point margin flattering to the Eagles.

The only thing more brutal than the Bulldogs was Cameron Ling’s ‘special’ comments.

His constant mentioning of the Eagles’ ‘inside and outside rings’ made me wonder why Channel Seven even bother having commentators at all.

All I know is whatever ring you were referring to regarding the Eagles, it was getting well and truly destroyed.

Carlton (83) v Adelaide (73)

Classic Carlton. Just when you think they are going to bottom out, they get a win.

It was all done in the second quarter when the Crows forgot how to play football and let the Blues boot eight goals, which is a lot.

The umpires also forgot how to umpire, allowing Patrick Cripps to run a few thousand kilometres without bouncing the ball before slotting a goal.

The Crows spent the second half reeling in the Blues, something most teams can do easily.

It turns out though that giving up eight goals in a quarter is like being chased nude by a deer through a national park with a mate; something you can’t easily come back from.

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus

 

COMMENTS

The Ho Brothers (Brayden, Brody and Brock)

Jun 28, 2021

Brisbane 13.16 (94) - Geelong 7.8 (50).

We haven't been this happy since Bruce McAvaney announced his retirement from AFL commentary.

Kafka’s Ghost

Jun 28, 2021

You’re obviously made of tougher stuff than me, Titus. I feel very threatened if served quiche.
Also, not a Hawks fan, but Tim O’Brien’s mark made me happy I’d devoted some time to this match. It was astonishing.

Running Dog

Jun 28, 2021

"Being chased nude by a deer through a national park with a mate." In that circumstance you should always try and catch the thing. Seen the price of venison lately? It's so dear. Maybe Cameron Ling got chased by a deer- I find his comments about rings quite... en-deer-ring.

Jen

Jun 28, 2021

My real motorbike has one throttle but my imaginary one ALWAYS has 2. Just to annoy the people who arc up a out the imaginary greenhouse gases!

Gyfox

Jun 28, 2021

Yes, Melbourne City kicked more goals than Richmond. A sign to the AFL that soccer is finally taking over. But they should also worry about rugby league now that we are getting NRL crowds in Melbourne.

Circus

Jun 28, 2021

Titus, as a committed fan of yours and the AFL game I have bet money on your tips and am facing having to auction one of two grossly overused kidneys on the open market.

As a very long term Saints fan I've managed a lifetime of tragedy by the alchemic process of manic devotion to any past or future god and occasional retreats to the white padded soundproof room.

However, your premonition "As for St Kilda, it’s hard not to see them go all the way this season" has now elevated your file into the "pending future god" in-tray and the kidney auction has been postponed. Ooh, such joy!!

Atrocious Conditions

Jun 28, 2021

You know, when you see how the Bulldogs wound up with 13.20 and at one stage were - I think, from memory - 2.11, you have to ask yourself a few questions. A lot of those behinds were from easy, close-range set shots, the kind of shots coaches call "really gettable".

So the first question that comes to mind is how guys can be running the wrong way, virtually right on the boundary line, against the wind, on their non-preferred foot and with two defenders on their hammer and kick a goal , yet if they take a set shot from 20 metres out straight in front they'd be lucky to hit the post.

Adam

Jun 28, 2021

The best bit about the hawks win was that it kept the tigers in the 8. It’s very hard to like Hawthorn winning but I guess everyone has reasons.

Halftime Spray

Jun 28, 2021

******The Bombers were cruising towards an enormous victory in this one, until the AFL hierarchy, who have been long involved in a conspiracy to destroy the Essendon Football Club, told the umpires to make sure Melbourne won.*******

Titus, have you been drinking from the same glass as my cousin?

Davo

Jun 28, 2021

Essendon supporters will be pleased they don't have a game in China this year. Imagine the tariffs on all that w(h)ine.

Tarax Club

Jun 28, 2021

Titus, whilst its pleasing to have Thursday night games back, you betray your state of origin. To quote "What should have been a close match, ended up being just Brisbane belting the living 'suitcases' out of the Cats." The game was played at the Gabba so the above sentence should read "What should have been a close match, ended up being just Brisbane belting the living 'ports' out of the Cats. Port being the Queensland colloquialism for suitcase. You must being wearing your bathers and not your togs.

Less than three lines column space for the Melbourne V Essendon clash makes sense. One can't give too much oxygen, with so much pre-match and post-much hyperbole in the media and elsewhere about the Bombers purported performance. Writing off the Demons before the end of the ski season does give opposition supporters some comfort.

The g train

Jun 28, 2021

Philosophers have debated for millennia about the existence of “unknown unknowns” or “not knowing what we don’t know”. They had never found a single occurrence where such a condition is fully satisfied. Until Friday night at the ‘G.

David Parsons

Jun 28, 2021

I've just noticed that the Bulldogs score of 13.20 was exactly the same as the start time of the game (WA time) so they clearly had prior knowledge that in all the confusion over Covid, the Eagles didn't have - another AFL conspiracy, clearly the game needs to be replayed!

David

Jun 28, 2021

Titus,
Demon supporters like us should never make cheap jokes about "debateable" umpiring.
During our most recent "lost years", clangers happened frequently to us.
More, the "Essedon" supporters booed so much, it was hard to tell if their targets were us, the umps, or their own team...?

Geoff Blethyn’s Glasses

Jun 28, 2021

It’s clear that Devon Smith has been planted into Essendon by the AFL as a sabotage ploy to upset umpires & give more free kicks against them without it looking suspicious. You can’t trust the AFL Bombers fans, it’s all part of the conspiracy!

Stoney

Jun 28, 2021

Big fella once again you have glossed over a demons game. I was at the game and sat through four quarters of systematic whinging by the bombers fans that actually started when the family friendly demons won the toss. I didn't count the free kicks but did watch the replay and I found another 17 frees that should have been awarded to the poor old demons. All I can finish with is good effort bombers but you need to learn to tackle well and be humble in defeat.GO DEES

David Mundy’s Flowing Golden Locks

Jun 28, 2021

Titus- The laziness of your write up of the glorious Freo victory over the Pies was thankfully offset by the finest deer related current affairs reference one could hope for. Reading your gear is a rollercoaster.

Steven Hocking

Jun 28, 2021

Who the hell told you that the AFL was out to destroy Essendon? And where do they live? Completely unsubstantiated and defamatory. You’ll be hearing from my lawyers. I might even sick my brother Whiskas onto you.

Gary Bourke

Jun 28, 2021

Won’t someone please blame the “ bye” !

Gary

Jun 28, 2021

Jason Bennett must have been wondering why he drew the short-straw yesterday and had beside him Brian 'Captain Moronic' Taylor and Cameron 'Captain Obvious' Ling...he will need a week of counselling for his mental health.

Monty

Jun 28, 2021

"The only thing more brutal than the Bulldogs was Cameron Ling’s ‘special’ comments.

His constant mentioning of the Eagles’ ‘inside and outside rings’ made me wonder why Channel Seven even bother having commentators at all.

All I know is whatever ring you were referring to regarding the Eagles, it was getting well and truly destroyed."

Straight up - mark and goal of the year right there combined onto the one motion. We can end the season right now, it's not going to get any better than that.

Gawn Skiing

Jun 28, 2021

What's up, EFC? Did the peptide supply dry up during COVID?

Jeremy

Jun 28, 2021

West Coast had two options to prove they aren’t flat-track bullies. Seems to me they chose the wrong one.

merv

Jun 28, 2021

Hey dumb ass, did you watch the Melbourne VS Adelaide game this year?

Borissimo

Jun 29, 2021

The opening sentence re watching the game for the umpiring was brilliant & demonstrated Titus' talent for capturing the ridiculous with an element of truth whilst being highly entertaining & amusing.
Great work.

Woody

Jun 29, 2021

Jason Bennett must have been charged with "gross competence" and sentenced to work with bt until this is rectified. Clearly 7 believe bt is the greatest talker since Jack Dyer.

Saint Peter

Jul 01, 2021

Titus, you have got to stop encouraging the essendon fans. There like the anti-vacs they will believe that crap the umpires have in for them.

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