Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Friday

Essendon (49) v Western Bulldogs (90)

Bombers supporters have seen this movie before.

A promising young team looks destined for success, only to disappoint everyone.

The Essendon Cinematic Universe (ECU) just keeps churning out the same movie with the same storyline every single year, and I guess they will keep doing it, given people keep buying tickets.

Essendon can still make finals, but they’re slipping into their ‘still mathematically possible’ era.

They now sit in eleventh, and after this performance, they don’t look like making September.

What was disappointing was the fact the Bulldogs have hardly impressed anyone recently.

But the Bombers forgot that Marcus Bontempelli and Tom Liberatore are players you may want to vaguely keep track of.

It didn’t seem to occur to the Bombers coaching staff to put anyone on them.

Instead, Essendon let them run around like a couple of unsupervised children at the playground.

The Bulldogs are now fifth and I hope they sent a nice bunch of flowers to the Essendon Football Club thanking them for just being them.

The Doggies will be thrilled with the victory, but it’s not all good news. After the game, Luke Beveridge said Rory Lobb would find his way back into the side by the end of the year.

Saturday

Richmond (96) v Hawthorn (95)

Hawthorn won three-quarters of this one before heroically snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

Their final quarter, where they only scored two points, was a masterclass in how not to win, it was as if the English cricket team were coaching them.

Perhaps like England, the Hawks could claim a moral victory? It’s a good move.

Apparently, in sport, you can now claim a series you lost didn’t count, or it wasn’t about who had the most wins; it was about some vague claims to being morally superior.

Richmond, desperate to keep their season alive, struggled in the face of relentless Hawthorn pressure early on, but one thing kept the Tigers hopes alive, they were playing Hawthorn.

Being 36 points down in the fourth quarter against this Hawthorn side means there’s a chance.

By the fourth quarter, the Hawks who looked cooked, it was just a question of whether the Tigers could execute, and there were plenty of moments when it appeared they couldn’t.

But booting the last five goals of game, with Liam Baker kicking the winner with 63 seconds left, shows that while Richmond might be only OK, they are better than Hawthorn.

Carlton (140) v West Coast (69)

Carlton will go from playing the Eagles, to playing Collingwood next week.

That’s like going from playing ‘chopsticks’ to Maurice Ravel’s ‘Gaspard de la Nuit’.

Just a bit of classical piano humour for you. No footy column can have too much and I’m shocked how little there is.

Carlton got the job done easily with Charlie Curnow booting ten goals, which equates to three goals against an AFL opponent.

West Coast were of course, charmingly hopeless. They played with the enthusiasm of someone heading off for a prostate exam and with the skill of a four-year-old playing the recorder.

It wasn’t all smooth sailing for Carlton, with Sam Walsh, Jack Silvagni and Jesse Motlop all going off injured, which means they could all miss next week’s loss to the Pies.

Brisbane (64) v Geelong (53)

Last week, Geelong were being touted as being a huge juggernaut who were about to crush everyone in the competition, but it turned out they were just playing Essendon.

It’s a common mistake.

Instead, this week they managed one lonely goal in the first half, as the Lions avoided the mistake Essendon made off freezing on the spot in panic and instead smashed them out of the centre.

Brisbane’s problem was they couldn’t capitalise on this dominance, meaning the Cats were always in touching distance.

The ghost of last week were very present in the fourth quarter as Geelong got on a roll, significantly reducing the Lions 37-point lead.

But Brisbane had learnt from last week, instead of curling up in the foetal position and hoping the opposition would go away, they tried to keep scoring.

And it worked!

The only negative, in the end, was an ACL injury to Will Ashcroft, which is huge for Brisbane.

Surely all this money we waste on education could be going towards preventing footballers from getting season-ending injuries?

When is sport going to get some taxpayer funds?

Fremantle (76) v Sydney (105)

The Crystal Skull for most disappointing team of the season goes to the Dockers, who won it in style on Saturday.

Fremantle pulled out their greatest hits, a slow start and a loss at home to really seal the deal.

They even made Buddy Franklin look young again, with him saying goodbye to Perth with three goals.

Sydney started fast, with a six-goal opening term, and by the time the Dockers realised the game had started, the Swans were away and never fully challenged.

Fremantle’s problem is they have a hard centre surrounded by a soft outer.

They are the peanut M&Ms of the AFL.

The Dockers now sit in 15^th, so despite this being a terrible season, they’ll get a great first-round draft pick at the end of the year! At least that’s something to look forward to.

For Sydney, the win keeps their very feint finals hopes burning.

They face Essendon next so there’s a real chance they’ll keep their season alive for another week.

Port Adelaide (83) v Collingwood (85)

Channel Seven laid it on thick about how we are all meant to like Collingwood now. Someone even said they’re many people’s second team.

Where is this all coming from?

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

Craig McRae might be a nice guy, so might the Daicos brothers, but they are helping Collingwood be good, which is morally wrong.

Can you be a good person and help Collingwood? I don’t think you can. In my view, Peter Daicos should be in jail for providing weapons to Collingwood.

This game was better than anticipated. Both sides went back and forth in a thrilling game of one-upmanship.

If you wanted to show someone our sport for the first time, this would be a good start.

The first warning side that Port was in trouble however occurred at three-quarter-time, when they were 17-points up.

Everyone immediately recognised that wouldn’t be enough.

Collingwood are proving every teacher wrong who told you that leaving your homework to the last minute wouldn’t work.

Turns out it works out just fine.

Port will be down about the loss, but it shows they can beat the Pies. All I hope for is this is a look at how good the finals are going to be.

Sunday

Greater Western Sydney (103) v Gold Coast (63)

This is not a drill, the Giants are back in the eight, proving once again, out of the two expansion teams very few wanted, the Giants are the one with a culture.

Luckily the Suns have singlehandedly converted Queensland into an AFL state.

Written off this year by almost everyone, the Giants have slowly built as the season has gone on, never giving up on improving, and have found their form late in the year, just as finals approach.

What an odd way to go about a season!

The Suns prefer to offer promise early then plunge off a cliff from halfway through the season.

They did the same in this game.

It doesn’t help when you can’t score and the Suns can’t.

Ben King’s four possessions were as effective as holding up a sign saying, ‘I am very keen to move to another club at the earliest possible convenience. Please submit your inquiries to my manager post haste.’

Melbourne (97) v Adelaide (93)

What was a rather relaxed, if somewhat boring, Sunday afternoon game at the G, suddenly sprung to life as the Crows decided they would rather go out with a bang than a whimper.

The Dees started strongly, and despite playing some rather stilted football, found themselves cruising along towards what should have been an easy win.

But they didn’t put the Crows away when they had the chance, which was despite Adelaide desperately helping them by kicking for goals with consistent inaccuracy.

The problem with leaving doors open is that people tend to walk through them.

Up 24 points at three-quarter time, I remarked to some of my fellow Dees supporters as we grazed on a tasting platter, ‘Say chaps, we wouldn’t want these fellows to score the first two goals, or this could get jolly tight.”

I needn’t have worried; the Crows didn’t score the first two goals of the fourth quarter, but the first four.

Suddenly and not for the first time, Taylor Walker was ruining my afternoon, and this time on the footy field.

Melbourne, realising they were going to have to break out fourth gear, did so, and got the job done, while the Crows were left to lament a game that was a microcosm of their season, close but not quite enough. 

St Kilda (69) v North Melbourne (61)

They never make it easy for their fans the old Saints.

What could have been a percentage-boosting win by a team that desperately needed one, looked like two cellar dwellers deciding who would win the wooden spoon.

Turnover was countered by turnover as the fans in attendance pondered why they had thrown away another Sunday.

Is it just barracking for St Kilda is the cheapest option for torture?

While North worked hard, the Saints leant on an old faithful, horrendous goalkicking, to keep the game close.

Building on a strong base of bad skills, the Saints had worked themselves into a 16-point deficit at three-quarter time.

It really seemed they could lose, and everyone had a lot of belief in them, but they couldn’t do it.

North hasn’t worked this hard to tank all season, only to have St Kilda walk in and ruin it.

What’s really astonishing is St Kilda are still in the eight, despite only narrowly defeating both North and the Eagles.

Surely if they stay there, they’re the team everyone wants to meet in September.

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This week’s Sports Bizarre episode is Tex Rickard: Sports Greatest Promoter Part One, available wherever you get your podcasts.