Jul 05, 2021


The Monday Knee Jerk Reaction: AFL Round Sixteen


Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You’ve come to the right place.


Gold Coast (77) v Richmond (67)

There’s been a lot of people celebrating the end of the Richmond era, but like the end of the Hawthorn era, I must admit, I’m just jealous they had an era.

I would love to live through an era. They can’t take that away from you, unless of course you are Lance Armstrong.

It was obvious from early on that the exhausting travel to Marvel Stadium had taken a toll on the Tigers, as the Suns showed more energy and effort throughout the game.

There’s no doubt this was one of the most important wins in the Suns’ long and proud history. 

Touk Miller was again the standout for the Gold Coast, with 36 disposals and seven tackles. He’s so good there’s no amount of money that’s too much for the Suns to throw at him. 

Contrasted against Miller’s skill and enthusiasm was Richmond’s older brigade, who seem to have forgotten how to kick. Time and again the ball sailed so wide of any target, it made you wonder if they had a target at all.

Like all great dynasties, the Lions, Hawthorn, when the end comes it seems to come fast, the toll of all those extra finals games seems to build up to a point where it can’t be sustained any more.

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.

The question is no longer can they win a premiership, it’s can they play finals?


Geelong (98) v Essendon (57)

Essendon travelled to Geelong for the first time in 28 years, their last game there was in round 21 in 1993. 

Considering Fitzroy played more recently there, in Round 5 1995, this is astounding. Given the result, the Bombers will probably hope they don’t have to return there for another 28 years.  

Essendon continues to be an incredibly frustrating side. For all the positive improvements that have occurred this year, they’re 12th on the ladder.

Things started off well for them, they went into the first quarter break up by three goals.

Then, in a move not recommended by people who know their footy, they gave up eight goals in the second quarter, while only kicking one themselves.

Jeremy Cameron was the catalyst, he’d been cleared before the game with a fitness test for hamstring tightness by Geelong’s crack medical staff, then, you’d never guess, he did his hamstring, the third such injury this year.

After that rather unfortunate second quarter, the Bombers tried to get back, but it was just too big a gap. 

As always, it was Darcy Parish leading the way, who must go close to winning a Brownlow this year, he won’t have many teammates taking votes off him. 

He had 43 disposals, and most importantly, when the rest of the team were struggling in the second quarter, he had 15 disposals. That’s a lot.


Melbourne (55) v Greater Western Sydney (64)

No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. No need to panic. NO NEED TO PANIC.

Adelaide (59) v Brisbane (111)

A predictable result at a time when there are few of those, the Lions had to work hard but were never really threatened in this one.

Adelaide hung in there for a lot of the game, but the Lions finally broke them, finishing with eight of the last nine goals.

Things started to go downhill for the Crows when in the second quarter, Taylor Walker slid into Daniel Rich’s knee, almost knocking himself out.

It’s a reminder to us all to never slide into Rich’s knee, or anyone’s for that matter. I’ve made it a key focus of my life to not get kneed in the head, a big reason I never took up Irish dancing.

Brisbane sits in third place now, which considering their awful start to the season, is incredibly impressive. 

With Melbourne above them in second place and looking wobblier than Michael Zerafa contemplating fighting Tim Tszyu, a spot in the top two is looking very much on the cards.

Fremantle (64) Carlton (80)

Two wins in a row! Could Carlton go all the way? 

Well of course not, but their fans will take it. 

Not that they made this a relaxing experience for Blues supporters, squandering a 28-point lead to trail by one point in the fourth quarter.

It was Sam Walsh who rescued the Blues from what could have been another dispiriting loss, snapping a goal from the boundary as if to underline the fact he is really, really good.

While Walsh was a standout for the Blues, so was Fremantle’s goalkicking, they booted 8.16.

Kicking inaccurately for goal is the closest thing the Dockers have to a ‘brand’. 

Fremantle’s goalkicking is like giving their opponents an extra two defenders.

The win had some proclaiming the Teague train was back on track, but I think it’s more likely it’s just gone down a siding.

Hawthorn (53) v Port Adelaide (87)

Port Adelaide had no interest in contributing to Shaun Burgoyne's 400th game celebrations, although having both Liam Shiels and Travis Boak chair him off with both teams forming a guard of honour was a lovely touch.

While Hawthorn continued to be much improved, they were nowhere near Port’s level of talent, and while you could argue Port should have won by more, just winning is always good.

Hawthorn’s frustrations during the game where on display when Tom Mitchell pushed over Connor Rozee while he was bending over to get his mouthguard out of his sock, instantly giving away a free and leading to an easy Port goal.

Look, we all get frustrated, I did a similar thing to my grandma during a particularly tense game of UNO, but it was a very silly thing to do.

Tom was just lucky that unlike my grandma, Rozee didn’t get up and clock him; that lead to me having a significantly long stay in hospital and I have never regained full sight in my left eye.


Sydney (118) v West Coast (26) 

The above score is correct. 

I watched this game and still had to check it several times. 

West Coast should have stayed in Perth for all the effort they gave in this one. 

Things started poorly, turned bad, then got significantly worse.

In no aspect of our great game did the Eagles best the Swans, who were ruthless throughout the game.

The Eagles play so badly at GMHBA Stadium they should do everything in their power to not play there. Perhaps they should change their name to the Essendon Football Club?

Yet there’s a lot more going wrong for them than location. 

They seemed as disinterested in this game as I do when someone tries to tell me about a dream they had.

“Look, I hate to stop you there, but I don’t care much for your actual life, so you telling me about something that didn’t even happen is not going to work for me.”

The Swans couldn’t do anything more than they did, across four quarters they just kept up the pressure, which is hard to do when your opponent is basically curled up in the foetal position.

Collingwood (61) v St Kilda (70)

Collingwood played close to the worst three quarters of football you’d care to see, only to almost win it with one quarter of football.

It was a strange old game alright.

Down by seven goals at three quarter time, it looked like Robert Harvey could be a caretaker coach who got sacked. 

The Saints were dominating them everywhere, and the Pies were putting up the sort of resistance I put up towards an ice cream sandwich.

The fourth quarter however saw the Pies come to life, making you wonder what changed. 

I’m not saying they were all given crystal meth at three quarter time, it’s just the only obvious explanation for their endeavour in the last quarter.

A five goal to zero last term resulted, and Saints fans got very nervous, and St Kilda got very luck to hold on.

Claims this victory suggests the Saints are back, could only really be made by someone who didn’t watch the game.

Western Bulldogs (108) v North Melbourne (79)

The Bulldogs are back on top of the ladder after taking care of North Melbourne in a good but difficult win.

If you want to judge the improvement by North under David Noble, consider on Good Friday they lost to the Doggies by 128 points. So, this was better.

North’s midfield has improved significantly, and while they still give up too many points, they no longer form a guard of honour for their opponents to waltz through to goal.

The Doggies at times struggled against North’s midfield but the gulf in class was just too big.

By far the biggest concern for the Bulldogs was losing Aaron Naughton to concussion, a reminder that attrition is the biggest concern for the various premiership contenders on the run home.

My biggest take out from this was the Doggies are very good and have perhaps the most eclectic collection of hairstyles in the league.

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus



Halftime Spray

Jul 05, 2021

They seemed as *****disinterested***** in this game as I do when someone tries to tell me about a dream they had.

The words disinterested and uninterested are sometimes used as if they have the same meaning. But there is a difference, and to avoid confusion, you should be aware of what that difference is.

When someone doesn’t have a vested interest in a matter, or doesn’t have a horse in that race, we can say that this person is **disinterested**. To be disinterested means to be impartial, which explains why this word, in its traditional sense, is often used in legal or business contexts:

EXAMPLE: Is the judge disinterested regarding this case or does she need to recuse herself?

However, writers sometimes use disinterested when **uninterested** would be more accurate:

EXAMPLE OF A POSSIBLE ERROR: He seemed disinterested in what was going on around him.

To avoid confusion, it’s best to preserve the distinction between these two words.

Ian Wilton

Jul 05, 2021

NO NEED TO PANIC.....you just keep telling yourself that! 😂😂😂


Jul 05, 2021

Comedic and entertaining prose from Titus followed by a free English lesson - Monday's are now even more worth the wait :)

Demon Dreamer

Jul 05, 2021

"No need to panic." True. No point in panicking regarding the inevitable. You panic when you think you can do something about it. We Melbourne fans know that the inevitable is ... inevitable. (But what is it this year?)

As for the pedantic comment by "Halftime Spray" - they got it wrong because you perfectly used the term "disinterested" to indicate that the Eagles played as if they had no stake in the game.

Cheers Titus. And let me know when to join you in panicking.


Jul 05, 2021

@ HALFTIME SPRAY some might label you pedantic but not me, I applaud your impromptu and unsolicited dissertation on the English language.


Jul 05, 2021

I wonder if Titus has considered investing in a BLOCK feature with regards to the comments section??? ^^^

Charles Curry

Jul 05, 2021

As a very long term long-suffering Melbourne supporter, I'm not panicking, I'm resigned to it. It may just be a form slump but Melbourne's slumps can go on for years.


Jul 05, 2021

I have checked all the Irish Dancing reviews and there has never been an incident requiring a HIA, so you are free to take up that pastime, Titus.

Countess Olivia

Jul 05, 2021

Titus - your analysis missed the real problem with Richmond's performance. At Wimbledon Ash Barty then went out and served three double faults in her first game and was terribly wobbly. If the AFL cares about fans at all they will draw Richmond to play on Sunday afternoon next round.

Thank You Half-time Spray

Jul 05, 2021

Just wanted to let you know that, as the primary reason I read this column is to further my English literacy, I am not at all dis/uninterested in your point.

Don't let anyone tell you different, your comment was the most important part of this article.

Herb Flanker

Jul 05, 2021

We're not talking enough about how the Richmond era was coterminous with Trump


Jul 05, 2021

“ would love to live through an era. They can’t take that away from you, unless of course you are Lance Armstrong.”

Or the Melbourne Storm. Although they just went out and created another one

The g train

Jul 05, 2021

Tremendous comments...just tremendous.

Half-time spray—have been trying to articulate this for decades, and you absolutely nailed it. Thank you.

Demon dreamer-exactly. Whatever happens is inevitable...and given, as you say, that the inevitable is inevitable...then the Demon train wreck has already happened (as some doubt retrocausality!).

Don’t mind Titus bagging footy teams and players and coaches and supporters and politicians. But to bag Irish dancing is a step too far.


Jul 05, 2021

Big fella so obviously gyou didn't get my offer of 10.00 Aussie dollars to get Toby arrested till qtr time. I am not panicking but might be getting a little nervous at the moment.GO DEES


Jul 05, 2021

HalfTime Spray? Really? We knew what was intended. But fair point & a great example of something & someone being completely disinteresting. Well done Sir.
A lot of chuckle out loud stuff again this week but the dream response stuff was gold and something I’d like to adopt in my everyday life.

DP Machine

Jul 05, 2021

Half Time Spray - would you care to weigh into the number of people misusing sliver/slither? That is the one that always really gets my goat... what does it have to do with the knee jerk reaction? Probably not as much as your initial comment, or it is 'original' comment - I just don't know anymore... if only I had a 'Half Time Spray' ready reckoner at hand...

Halftime Spray

Jul 05, 2021

*******"Halftime Spray" got it wrong because you perfectly used the term "disinterested" to indicate that the Eagles played as if they had no stake in the game.*******

That would only be correct if Titus meant that the St Kilda players were impartial. I doubt that was true, since every one of them must have been a St kilda supporter.

Running Dog

Jul 05, 2021

Titus, resisting an ice cream sandwich is easy- just toast one, and see what it does to the toaster. Next thing you're at an electrical retailer looking at appliances designed for a mission to Mars, when really, that money could be spent on anti-panic medication. And, you also have to stick a fork in the toaster to dig out the biscuity stuff, and I was always warned against doing that- apparently it isn't gluten free.

Stay retired Bruce McAvaney

Jul 05, 2021

I watched my first Richmond Dynasty unfold between 1967 and 1980. And then the resurrection between 2017 and 2020. Currently sitting in 9th has the disturbing between dynasties feel of the intervening 37 years. Ah well, can't complain.


Jul 05, 2021

Could the Eagles get some of the Collingwood tonic? (but maybe use it before the game)

If it worked in 2016 ...

Halftime Spray

Jul 05, 2021

Oooooops! I meant "West Coast Eagles supporters".

Halftime Spray

Jul 05, 2021

@ DP MACHINE ***Half Time Spray - would you care to weigh into the number of people misusing sliver/slither?***

I haven't come across that particular solecism, but I don't get out much.

Sad Sainter

Jul 05, 2021

St Kilda stops when they can't win and they stop when they think they've done enough to win. So nothing changed at 3/4 time against the Pies, they just stopped.


Jul 05, 2021

It snowed this weekend and the Dees lost; an omen?


Jul 05, 2021

That was the best read I have had in a long time. I now know what a "solecism" is.

Carn the Pear

Jul 05, 2021

I think its meant to read No.........time to panic.

Tempting Fate

Jul 05, 2021

Sad Sainter—agree. They thought they had done enough against Adelaide a few weeks back to be able to stop and yet still win. Stopping when you can’t lose is a good tactic, but you also need to factor in extreme outlying events. Such as one of the softest frees of all time near the death two metres out...StK learnt from that and it showed against Collingwood.

Darren J Ray

Jul 05, 2021

Love you, Titus. And the comments this week were almost as good as your review of the round. Thanks to all.


Jul 05, 2021

Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. What has happened? Is some player shagging someone else’s wife and the whole team but one know? A la North Melbourne. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. They might need some of that Collingwood crack….. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Where would you buy the Collingwood crack before 1pm in Geelong on a Sunday? Are hotel car parks open? Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Jeezus, now they want to do a contact-less transaction? Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic. Quick! SBS and the Tour. A West Aussie has come from absolutely nowhere in the dirtiest sport besides sparring and IOC electioneering to best the world in a hill climb that causes a nosebleed just watching it. No such hills exist ANYWHERE in WA for training purposes. Time to panic. Time to panic. Time to panic.

Ghosts of Carlton Past

Jul 05, 2021

I am interested in reading an example where ‘uninterested’ is used correctly - rather than when ‘disinterested’ is incorrectly used.
And it’s mathematically possible for carlton to make the 8. I give them a sliver of a chance but imagine they’ll just slither toward 15th


Jul 05, 2021

I am uninterested in what the final ladder looks like.


Jul 05, 2021

I asked my partner if she’d like join me for a drive to the medical insurance stadium near Geelong to see a Sydney football team play a Perth team but like everyone else in Victoria she was uninterested.


Jul 06, 2021

Ghosts of Carlton Past—put in this way. When your spouse is telling you about their dreams, it’s better to say you are disinterested in them, rather than uninterested. But it’s probably best to feign interest, or to say nothing and nod a few times when watching the footy. (Last phrase used to get the conversation back to footy.)

“I am disinterested in your dreams” and “I am uninterested in your dreams” are both valid uses of the two words. The former sentence means it has no affect or effect on you; the latter both affects and effects you. I think.

Halftime Spray

Jul 06, 2021

*****affects and effects*****

Nice one.

Jacqui Parry

Jul 07, 2021

Ian Wilton it is very naughty to laugh so hard at the Dees supporters. Very naughty!!

We’re not done yet brother.

Onward and forward to the Thuggery to pull the Plug on The Power!!

Has anyone issued the required power outage message ‘cos we wouldn’t want the chocolates to melt before we got them home to Gosch’s ?

I’ve told Max to just think of them as the Pies but a bit shorter and we are still busting for revenge over that umpire assisted result 😤

Lots of milestones (Max 150, Ed 100, Charlie Spargo 50, Mr Stanway 450) and we will need a truckload of chocolates to celebrate that lot 😻🔥😻Go The Mighty Dees 😻🔥😻


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Aug 28, 2021

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Sep 19, 2021

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