Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Thursday

Essendon (65) v North Melbourne (62)

Don’t let the close score fool you, this was about as enjoyable as making small talk with that guy from corporate strategy who wants to tell you about a conference he just got back from.

“It’s amazing what’s happening with AI.”

“Mate, unless you’re talking about Allen Iverson, I couldn’t be less interested.”

The Bombers started well, and it looked like another shellacking for the Kangaroos until the Bombers adopted a strategy of injuring a fair chunk of their players.

Harrison Jones had the worst of it with an ankle injury that had those up close in the crowd looking like they needed counselling.

The second half was a disaster for the Bombers, they kicked just two goals to the Kangaroos six.

If you’re an Essendon fan, you’d come away from that not exactly brimming with confidence.

If you want to ensure you get my columns every week, the best way is to sign up for the email.

Friday

St Kilda (94) v Fremantle (33)

Like people who find comfort in True Crime podcasts, Dockers fans must feel most comfortable when experiencing high levels of trauma.

It’s the only thing that explains their ongoing loyalty.

And therefore, they would have loved this game.

Against St Kilda, the Dockers produced the footballing equivalent of the Coalition’s election campaign.

It was disorganised, odd and lacked any sense of a game plan

The Dockers managed only one goal to half time as a Ross Lyon masterclass in taking away an opponent’s strength unfolded.

Rather than push through the chokehold the Saints had them in, Fremantle seemed to decide it was all too hard.

Saints fans would be thrilled. This is not a team of superstars or a superstar team, but they’re getting everything out of this group.

Saturday

Western Bulldogs (131) v Port Adelaide (41)

This year, the Bulldogs have had less luck than me in a nightclub.

Unlike me, they haven’t fallen apart over it and cried themselves to sleep at night listening to The Smiths.

Instead, they’ve pulled themselves together and are winning.

At Ballarat's Bailey Smith Stadium, the Doggies relished the cold and windy conditions, while the Power accidentally went to Marvel Stadium, missing the game entirely.

You can handle the occasional loss, but it’s the way you lose that upsets you, and the Power seem to be going out of their way to upset their fans. 

Offensively inept, the Power were also not interested in defending, which smart football types will tell you is a bad combination.

The Bulldogs had no such problems, they were like a bunch of kids at the old Pizza Hut all you can eat desert bars.

Adelaide (110) v Carlton (50)

Every year Carlton builds up their fans hopes, then smashes them, only to begin building them up again.

It’s like watching kids building sandcastles and knocking them down but with less coordination.

After a brilliant performance against the Cats, Blues fans know what the team can do, but Carlton was quick to remind them of how rarely they can do it.

Once again, the Blues players looked like a team resting on the laurels. The problem is how few laurels they seem to need to rest on.

Beating Geelong is great, but many teams would take a level of belief from that, instead, the Blues take a rest.

The Crows seemed to almost sense this, they jumped them early and never let them get back up.

Adelaide just had free men everywhere. Watching it on TV, I had to wonder just where the Carlton players were.

If you’d told me they only had ten players on the field, I would have believed you.

Collingwood (87) v Geelong (90)

Closer, more interesting and historically more important than the Federal Election, the Cats v Pies was also more successful for third parties, with the umpires holding the balance of power.

It was certainly the best game we’ve had this season as two of the top sides went at it in a reminder that football at its best is the pinnacle of human achievement.

I mean what’s better? The Arts? Please.

Science? Those eggheads 

Beer? Ok, its close.

Jack Crisp was the focus on the night, with his record-setting 245th consecutive game and almost won it for the Pies with a kick after the siren which went wide.

Obviously those 245 consecutive games mean nothing now.

The night was the perfect stage for the big stars.

Scott Pendlebury, Jeremy Cameron, Bailey Smith, Nick Daicos, the other Daicos and Patrick Dangerfield all seemed to lift for the big occasion.

Pendlebury and Dangerfield seem to be beating not just their opponents but Father Time too.

How do they do it? There’s only one answer really. Witchcraft.

In the end, Geelong won because they kept their heads when it mattered, but if you’re talking to a Pies supporter, just agree it was the umpires, it’s safer. 

If you want to ensure you get my columns every week, the best way is to sign up for the email.

West Coast (76) v Melbourne (108)

Last year the Eagles won this match up and it looked like they were finally turning a corner.

Unfortunately, that corner seems to have turned into another dead end.

This is their worst ever start to the season. 

West Coast in the AFL is like watching a Corolla give Formula 1 a go.

The fact Melbourne aren’t that good kept this close early, but eventually Max Gawn got sick of this state of affairs and dragged Melbourne ahead of the Eagles.

Without Gawn the Dees would be, to use a technical term, rooted.

Gawn smashed the living daylights out of the Eagles at stoppages, took key marks when it counted, and gathered the ball like a midfielder the rest of the time.

It was a fairly standard Max game.

The Dees have now won four in a row, defeating the Dockers, Richmond and the Eagles, but they have Hawthorn next week in a reminder that we all must return to reality eventually.

Sunday

Sydney (87) v Greater Western Sydney (73)

Sydney needed this win like you need a souvlaki after a big night out.

And there’s no love lost between these two, due to some things that have happened that I’m unaware of because the Melbourne media don’t really cover these two.

There was a bit of feeling in this one and the first quarter saw lots of pushing and shoving and acting tough. It was like watching an NBA fight.

Lewis Melican though decided it was a good idea to go a bit further, so he whacked Toby Bedford, who was subbed off.

If he’s not careful, he could get as many weeks as someone laying a tackle.

It calmed down a little after that, and I mean, only a little, but stayed close on the scoreboard.

Perhaps the big difference was James Jordon, who tagged Lachie Whitfield and kicked two goals.

Sydney’s goalscoring has been a concern and may remain one, given a tagger led the goalkicking.

Hawthorn (109) v Richmond (44)

Hawthorn celebrated their centenary doing two things they love, winning and fighting.

Things got angry early on when James Sicily caught Maurice Rioli holding the ball and decided to push him into the ground completely unnecessarily.

Tim Taranto then pushed over Sicily, who complained to the umpire, who gave Taranto the fifty.

And that’s why people hate Hawthorn.

Brisbane (66) v Gold Coast (49)

There’s no bigger sporting event in Australia than the Q Clash, and it just has so much more meaning when Brisbane are honouring the Bears by wearing their jumper.

I mean, there’s so much heritage to honour when it comes to the Bears.

The scoreboard makes this look closer than it was. The Suns got some late goals, but the Lions dominated this.

Perhaps the most interesting moment was when Jarrod Berry had a set shot after the first quarter siren, which landed short, only for the man on the mark Bailey Humphrey to give away a 50-meter penalty.

His crime? Throwing a bit of turf at Berry.

Thank God, that bit of turf could have lightly brushed Berry if it made contacts, or worse still, triggered his allergies.

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus