Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Thursday

St Kilda (60) v Western Bulldogs (132)

Firstly, let me apologise for being away the last two weeks, everyone in the family was unwell except for myself, which of course meant I was the real victim.

I had to do actual parenting which is a nightmare.

This game kicked off with perhaps the most St Kilda thing in the history of time, a Saints fan pulling a hamstring while tossing the coin.

To be fair, the fan took it in good humour, but it’s hardly the omen you want before a game.

And the omen proved true, the Saints looked terrible, often struggling to get out of their own back half.

It was like watching a toddler try to dress themselves but with less coordination.

The Bulldogs had no such struggles; they moved the ball so quickly that the Saints looked on like magic was occurring.

And there was more good news for the Dogs.

Eight weeks ago, Sam Darcy’s season seemed over but in a miracle he has risen.

It’s further proof for Bulldogs fans who believe that he is the second coming, not of Luke Darcy, but Jesus.

If anything, Sam has a slightly better reach than Jesus, but Jesus could perform miracles when it mattered and was a difficult match up, being a mid-sized forward. 

If you want to ensure you get my columns every week, the best way is to sign up for the email.

Friday

Hawthorn (47) v Adelaide (44)

It’s almost like Tasmania is not great for night footy in winter, such were the rather tricky conditions in this one.

Now, give me some rope, I’m just spitballing here, but I wonder if a roofed stadium could be a solution down there.

I can’t see anyone objecting to that.

As for this game, it was close, but it left a lot to be desired on the skill side, which is why I think all Tasmanians will go for my roofed stadium idea. 

The Crows will be wondering how they managed to let this one slip.

Or perhaps they won’t be wondering, as kicking 1.7 in the second half is not exactly a sum that adds up to four points.

Hawthorn wasn’t that accurate in front of goal either, they just were slightly less inaccurate, which is always a joy.

Saturday

Brisbane (96) v Greater Western Sydney (107)

There are moments when the AFL doesn’t quite function like the billion-dollar business it is.

Take for example, the handling of Jack Payne's knee injury.

The cart came out to collect him, only to struggle to get off the ground. First it tried to drive off near the Brisbane changerooms, but that was too narrow,

I had visions of Mike Myers in Austin Powers doing a thousand-point turn.

Eventually, they went to another exit, but it was lucky it wasn’t a more serious injury.

Comical medical shenanigans aside, Brisbane are not exactly firing on all cylinders.

While hardly in a world of hurt, they are not peaking at the right time, which is of course in the middle of the season.

Perhaps they're targeting September, which would be weird.

As for Greater Western Sydney, they are also a bit all over the shop, up one week, down the next.

This week they were on, with Jesse Hogan kicking six goals and Adam Cadman announcing himself with five, as much as a number one draft pick needs to announce himself.

Essendon (56) v Geelong (151)

It was the Country Game between Geelong and Essendon, and it was nice to see Essendon honoured the occasion by playing like a country footy side.

A country football side who had the Vice Captain’s Buck party the night before and now the Vice Captain is in custody, and no one had been home.

Bombers fans have probably heard enough about being patient. After all, how does it make sense that in a league designed to be equal, they stay down while Geelong are always up?

That’s because it’s equal in the sense that for every team that stays up another will therefore need to stay down.

It’s the cosmic balance of the universe, Yin and Yang.

In fact, the ancient Chinese philosophy is mainly based on Essendon and Geelong’s balancing out of each other.

North Melbourne (67) v Fremantle (73)

Fremantle are in the top eight, which would come as a surprise to many.

But four wins on the trot has them hitting form, even if you wouldn’t know it watching this game.

Coming off the bye, it would be fair to say the Dockers eased back into things.

I get it, after a holiday, I take weeks to get back to normal, and my normal is an incredibly low base.

North gave it their all but as well as not being very good, they are in the middle of a crazy run of games.

They’ve played in seven different stadiums over the past nine matches. Three times at Marvel Stadium, the Barossa Park, Adelaide Oval, Ninja Stadium, MCG, Hands Oval and Optus Stadium.

This seems an excessive amount of travel. The fact the AFL allows clubs to sell home games adds to the general sense the competition is about as fair as a shell game at a carnival.

Sunday

Port Adelaide (93) v Melbourne (68)

I mean, the most depressing part of all this is the predictability.

For years, the Dees have been a team with a glaring weakness; they butcher forward opportunities like it’s the point of the game.

Again and again and again the Dees missed shots and bombed the ball into the forward line despite it never working.

This is not the first time I’ve written a sentence like that.

But lessons seem never to be learned.

The only change up this week seemed to be the Dees hitting Esava Ratugolea like he was their key forward, and to be fair, he would be a better key forward than they have.

Port couldn’t believe their luck. The real difference was that where the Dees midfield kicked with the efficiency of a local council, Port’s were like an F1 car.

They did exciting things like kicking to the advantage of an opponent and honouring a league.

It was novel stuff. 

If you want to ensure you get my columns every week, the best way is to sign up for the email.

West Coast (52) v Carlton (86)

Exciting time for Blues fans, with their team not losing to West Coast.

When you’re an unreliable team, and I have some experience with this, every team against a cellar dweller fills you with more dread than playing the top side.

That’s because the number of times you’ve blown these sorts of games is seared on your memory like that childhood memory of when the teacher got you to do your timetables in front of the class, and you could only do the one time and the ten times, and everyone laughed.

That’s just a hypothetical scenario, of course.

Anyway, the Blues gave their fans a scare before pulling themselves together.

It’s a tough game footy. To follow that is.

Bye: Collingwood, Gold Coast, Sydney, Richmond

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus