Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Thursday

Fremantle (83) v Collingwood (97)

It’s not looking good for Fremantle and anyone who doesn’t barrack for Collingwood.

This was meant to be a good year for Fremantle, but nine rounds in and they are looking, well, like Fremantle.

After last week’s disastrous performance against St Kilda, the Dockers at least tried this week, which is perhaps even more worrying.

Collingwood left all their old players behind, like a tribe moving across the grasslands, and still won.

Six goals to Jamie “When He’s Healthy” Elliott was the difference, plus the Pies rather fanatical commitment to tackling.

It’s not looking good. The Pies seem organised and always bring a high level of commitment.

The Pies having a competent coach is really getting on my nerves.

Friday

St Kilda (62) v Carlton (77)

Tom De Koning has a hard decision to make: Carlton or St Kilda. It’s a choice between being unhappy or unhappy but with more money.

This game didn’t reach any great heights.

The Blues have more talent on the park, but St Kilda have a coach the players are scared off.

The result was, and I don’t believe this term has been used before in regard to football, an arm wrestle.

The third quarter was a real slog to watch as injuries limited the Blues and talent limited the Saints.

In the end, the Blues were too good, and Carlton fans can get their hopes up again.

Saturday

Melbourne (56) v Hawthorn (91)

What the hell was that?

I mean, as a Dees supporter, I’ve seen some bad football in my time, but it’s even worse when the team is a chance to win, and they blow it by just plain old bad skills.

For a lot of the game, the Dees had every chance to pull ahead, but like that self-sabotaging friend who can never let themselves be happy, they screwed it up.

I’m talking missed shot at goal after missed shot at goal. Just a cavalcade of ineptitude.

And this isn’t some rare occurrence. It’s cost the Dees in finals before, and it’s been the bane of our existence for years.

The Dees attack and attack, don’t convert, then their opponent marches up the other end and immediately kicks a goal. Rinse and repeat.

Adding to the pain, Clayton Oliver is now the most expensive tagger in history, a turn of events that is peak Melbourne.

Hawthorn couldn’t believe their luck that the door was left open in the first half and were even more surprised at how the Dees faded so spectacularly in the last quarter.

With the season done, at least the Dees have plenty of time to work out what to do next.

They just need their next president to get back from overseas and their new CEO to start in September.

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Essendon (71) v Sydney (63)

I don’t think it was a planned strategy, but the Swans managed to give three 50-meter penalties in the first quarter.

They ended up giving away six for the match. That seems high to me.

If the purpose of the game was to give away 50-meter penalties, it would have made a lot more sense.

It certainly helped the Bombers, who couldn’t believe their luck and took advantage of all the opportunities that kept coming their way.

If the 50-meter penalties weren’t enough, the Swans also kicked 8.15 to really underline what a terrible year they are having.

Perhaps even more surprising was that Essendon played well, and didn’t just solely rely on the Swans to make mistakes.

The Bombers are now in ninth position, and you just can’t see them letting down their fans from here.

Gold Coast (106) v Western Bulldogs (96)

The AFL really are masters when it comes to strategy.

Take for example, their strategy to convert the Gold Coast to Australian Rules Football.

The AFL have identified the best way to do this is to play some of the Suns games in Darwin.

Even better, this was a classic, as the Suns dominated most of the day, accidentally left the gate open and only managed to slam it shut very late.

To everyone’s surprise, it was hot and humid in Darwin, and the Suns seemed to have the Dogs measure, to the tune of being 28-points up halfway through the final quarter.

It seemed the Dogs were done, but like a backpacker at Monsoons at 2am, they got a second wind and kicked on.

In the end, it was too little, too late and the Suns remain in the top four, which is weird.

If only people on the Gold Coast could have gone to this, it could have converted a few fans.

Port Adelaide (84) v Adelaide (89)

If you’ve never been to a Showdown, I highly recommend it.

Not only is it often a great game of footy, but you also get to watch the fans, and they are wonderfully unhinged in the best possible way.

I’ve seen a father and son go at it at one of these. The son gave it to the dad after a Crows goal, only for the father to respond with some choice words after the Power fought back.

The fact the son was six years old didn’t seem to bother anyone, and to be fair, the six-year-old’s language was worse than the Dad’s, with a few words I thought we had stopped using in the 1980s.

It was a tight affair for most of the game, but the start of the fourth was when the Crows put their foot down, booting three goals in a few minutes and seemingly securing the win.

But this is a Showdown, and if you don’t keep trying, then it’s a bad week at the Central Market.

With a week of being shortchanged on fritz staring them in the face, the Power lifted and booted two late goals and suddenly there was just four points in it.

But the Crows held on for a famous victory in a Showdown for the ages.

Sunday

Richmond (81) v West Coast (79)

It was the tackle heard around Richmond and parts of East Melbourne.

Popular WAFL side the Eagles looked a chance to score late and seal an unlikely win, only for Tom Brown to chase down Eagle Tom Gross and land a perfect tackle.

And it had to be perfect. If it was high, it was a free, if he swung Gross in the tackle, it was a free, if he rode him into the ground, it was a free, if he pushed him in the back, it was a free, if Gross’ head hit the turf, it was a free, if it was softer than a lover’s caress, it was a free.

In fact, even if Brown did everything right, there was still a chance it was a free.

Yet Brown somehow threaded the needle and didn’t give away a free. It was the closest thing you’ll see to a miracle.

Geelong (101) v Greater Western Sydney (105)

The Cats has three big advantages, governments give them money all the time, players like living near surf beaches and an intimidating home ground.

Geelong fans aren’t happy when that last one doesn’t work.

This was a great game, everything you could want in a game. Two skilful teams going at it, a key forward kicking goals and Geelong losing.

To be clear, I only hate Geelong because they win a lot. Same with the Hawks.

People sometimes point this out to me, ‘you only hate us because we are good.’

Well, of course. Football is one of the few areas of life where you can let envy just run wild.

You do it at work and you get called in by the boss and asked to explain why you let down Simon’s bike tyres on the day he was doing a charity ride.

Perhaps that example is a bit specific, but you get my point.

Yet despite Geelong being very good, the Giants have seemed to have figured out how to win down there.

A big reason was Jesse Hogan booting seven as his late career resurgence continues.

Kicking seven these days is like kicking 12 in the 1980s.

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North Melbourne (71) v Brisbane (71)

This was always the most likely outcome.

Brisbane took on North Melbourne at Ninja Stadium, which is not in Japan but a quick Google search reveals is actually the name of Bellerive Stadium these days.

To think there’s a bunch of kids growing up just dreaming of one day playing on Ninja Stadium.

The Lions had a twenty-point lead in this at halftime, only for the Kangaroos to get on top in the second half, like a bunch of ninjas sneaking up on a target.

Wait, is the collective noun of ninjas, ‘ninjas’? Or is it something else? Like a shadow of ninjas. Or a silence of ninjas.

I’ve gotten a little off track.

Anyway, the Kangaroos got the scores level and even had a chance to win, but fumbles cost them when they really should have won this.

Coach Alastair Clarkson reacted in a calm and measured way as they blew it late.

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