Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.
On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.
What you really want is idiotic hysteria.
You've come to the right place.
Thursday
Carlton (75) v Richmond (71)
Well, I’m back for the thirteenth year of the Knee Jerk Reaction, and if you’re wondering where last week’s was, there wasn’t one.
That’s because I don’t observe Opening Round.
The great thing about being back is listening to calls to sack Carlton’s coach before most teams had even played.
Nature is healing.
Did you know the CIA study the Blues on how to psychologically torture large groups of people?
Last week, the Blues destroyed any hope their fans had built up in the offseason, in one quarter. This week, they made a win feel like a loss.
Tigers fans were more concerned about Tom Lynch, who was like a kid who mainlined red cordial.
What was he going to do next? Miss a set shot? Or give away a free kick?
Friday
Essendon (83) v Hawthorn (145)
Bombers fans were furious when Zach Merrett wanted a trade to Hawthorn.
I didn’t understand why. Wanting to get out of Essendon seems like the only sensible decision a person can make.
I can only assume the fans were angry because they wouldn’t have been able to go with him.
Don’t leave us here!
The Hawks were ruthless in this one, feasting on Essendon’s mistakes and there was a Sizzler buffet worth of them.
The result was the most predictable performance of the round; a continuing Essendon rebuild that makes Victoria’s Big Build look professionally run.
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Saturday
Western Bulldogs (134) v Greater Western Sydney (53)
Kane Corne’s favourite team looked scary on the weekend.
They were so good against the Giants that they made Adam Kingsley look angry, even for Adam Kingsley, which is saying something.
The Giants were like me in my year nine German exam; they had no answers.
The only phrase I’d learnt was ‘Deutsche Heute’, which was the name of the textbook. Weirdly, that wasn’t an answer to any of the questions.
The Giants seemed unaware that Marcus Bontempelli is an astoundingly good player, giving him the leeway usually reserved for a struggling journeyman.
How good are the Dogs? It’s round one, and they have two wins. They’re doing things that are mathematically impossible.
Geelong (110) v Fremantle (100)
Geelong looked in all sorts early on, with Fremantle looking like the flag favourites, some people are saying they are.
But every Dockers fan knows their club only exists to let them down, which is what my dad says about me.
Chris Scott yelled at his players at quarter time in a manner that in any other industry would see you front HR before collecting your things.
But the yelling worked.
Bailey Smith started running amok, and Shannon Neale booted five goals.
It was a win that would have delighted the Cats’ many, many sponsors.
Sydney (104) v Brisbane (60)
After winning two premierships in a row, the AFL showered Brisbane with first round draft picks.
This performance should therefore get them priority picks for the next three years.
Of course, only a fool would write the Lions off this early, so expect lots of people to do that.
But Chris Fagan seems to focus on the back end of the season. What a weirdo.
The Swans looked amazing, but injuries to Errol Gulden and Isaac Heeney took the gloss off.
Heeney was described as having ‘hamstring tightness’, which is worse than ‘hamstring awareness’ but better than ‘done a hammy’.
Collingwood (79) v Adelaide (93)
Oh dear! The Pies forgot to organise a forward line for this season.
It’s a fair oversight.
This not being a final, the Crows were in good form. They were in control for much larger stretches than the Pies.
The frustration for Collingwood showed when serial offender Scott Pendlebury tried to murder Josh Worrell.
Luckily, Worrell is alive, but how many times can Pendlebury get away with this?
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Sunday
North Melbourne (113) v Port Adelaide (67)
For a side not used to winning, belting a side by 46 points was an out-of-body experience for North fans.
And even if it was just against Port, this was still good!
Many Kangaroos didn’t know you were legally allowed to kick over 100 points.
North can’t afford a lid, but if they did, they’d be taking it off.
As for Port fans, what the hell was that?
‘Hire Ken Hinkley’ graffiti has already started springing up all around Adelaide.
Melbourne (120) v St Kilda (107)
Last week, the Saints tried to get a chant going with a drum.
I believe it went like this ‘Knock knock? Who’s there? Owen. Owen who? Owen-Two.’
There’s nothing worse than buyer’s remorse.
After spending the GDP of a large European country in the off-season, they got a result they used to achieve for a third of the cost.
Max Gawn seemed to take it personally that Tom De Koning was on more money than him.
Gawn was angrier than a man who’s just discovered a wedding reception is booze free. And vegan.
De Koning looked like he was the older player, struggling to go with Max as the game went on.
For Demons fans, watching their team for the first time this year, despite the season starting several months ago, it was worth the wait.
Gold Coast (131) v West Coast (72)
Hello to the three people reading about this game!
In front of 13,309 people, the 2026 Premiers didn’t muck around against the best side in the WAFL.
Christian Petracca was on fire early, with three goals in the first term, two more the Eagles managed.
From there, the Suns weren’t really challenged, although it must be said, the Eagles at least tried in the second half.
There were even moments of competent football, rarely sighted in Eagles jumpers in the last few years.
Could we see the Eagles in the top ten this season? Well, not the top ten in the AFL, but maybe some other top ten list.
You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus
COMMENTS
Not Titus' dad
Mar 16, 2026
How can your dad feel let down with literary gold like this - 'Gawn was angrier than a man who’s just discovered a wedding reception is booze free. And vegan'.
Payroll Clerk
Mar 16, 2026
It's great to have you back.
John Allison
Mar 16, 2026
Guess we'll have to wait for the West Coast Essendon match to see who will be this year's Wooden Spooner.
Crowy
Mar 16, 2026
Brilliant start to the year Titus. I feel that you will have plenty of fodder this year to fill your column. To misquote the Big Boss of the AFL, "the total chaos and unpredictably has never been better!!!"
Red and Blue Blooded
Mar 16, 2026
So pleased you’re back to provide some much needed levity.
As a Melbourne supporter with an electric Mercedes Im doubtful there is a less smug person in the AFL world today.
That’s all
LC
Mar 16, 2026
Welcome back, Titus, and the KJR commenters/readers.
Here's to another year of great football!
Did anyone watch Prime's "Final Siren: Inside the AFL"? I was confused about the footballers involved/not included, though I appreciated the Nat Fyfe stuff
If You Leave Me
Mar 16, 2026
One positive for Bombers compared to last season ...... no injuries!!!.
Oh wait... there is still a week of training to get through.
Mark Duffett
Mar 16, 2026
Just here to say that I entirely endorse your position on Opening Round.
Adam
Mar 16, 2026
Collingwood's forward line would improve if they had someone like Brody Mihocek down there.
Also West Coast need another tall forward, someone like Jai Culley.
Vicki Tonkin
Mar 16, 2026
Hi Titus,
As a Carlton supporter I fully endorse your gloomy comments about the club and its prognosis. Last week was just bloody depressing. This week was just depressing, despite the “win”.
The Hairy Ranga
Mar 16, 2026
Mihocek clearly doesn't understand the Melbourne supporter base. Playing "Working Class Man" as his goal song! That's just taunting the Melbourne supporters.
Woody
Mar 16, 2026
Ah, the famous knee jerk reaction. I knew there was something missing last week ...
Shags
Mar 16, 2026
Titus - you bring delight to every footy season with your take on each of the games and pithy observations. Each week there are several classics but this week I particularly enjoyed: "a continuing Essendon rebuild that makes Victoria’s Big Build look professionally run"! But, as a Hawks supporter I would.
Timbo Jones
Mar 16, 2026
As a Brisbane Lions fan, I resent the accusations made against my team in this scurrilous rag.
jim
Mar 16, 2026
RED AND BLUE BLOODED - As a Melbourne supporter with an electric Mercedes Im doubtful there is a less smug person in the AFL world today.
As a fellow Melbourne supporter I can only assume that you are having problems with the Mercedes EV?
BundyJack
Mar 16, 2026
Fox commentators raved about Pendles clean record. WTF
Rob
Mar 16, 2026
Put the pen away for 2026 Will never get funnier than - Owen who? Owen 2
Jamie dalton
Mar 16, 2026
Welcome back Titus! No mention of St Pendles' looming exoneration?
Uptheguts
Mar 16, 2026
Nice to have your hard hitting, no holds barred, well thought out views back on this great debacle known as AFL. More rule changes than an Auskick game, world record prices for a Carlton Draught can & something resembling a pie ( maybe we could blame the Middle East & Donny T for that?) and don’t start me on seat prices or how smart Ross Lyons is on coaching Nasiah!
duncan
Mar 16, 2026
Some great pearlers in this one.
Great Start
WA Bogan
Mar 16, 2026
Didn't take long for Longmuir to find an excuse for the Dockers flagging yet again... can't wait for JL to say that the teams that have the bye in the next few weeks are also advantaged... but I do agree that R0 is farcical.
the g train
Mar 16, 2026
Good to have you back, Titus. Great, even.
Agree with everything you wrote, Titus.
Except for the confusion and lack of recognition of Opening Round. It's quite simple. The first round of games is called Opening Round, Or The Opening Round or Round O. It should NEVER be referred to as Round 0 or Round Zero. Ever, The first round, which is the Opening Round, should not be confused with Round 1, which is the second round. The Opening Round, which was the first round, allows the second round to be called Round 1, and preserves the long held tradition of the blockbuster Carlton vs Richmond clash to be played in Round 1 in the second round. It's marketing genius and recognises a cherished tradition. And it allows satirists to declare that a team has won 2 games at the end of Round 1, which is 'impossible". But once you accept that Round 1 is the second round, because the first round was The Opening Round, (or Round O but not Round 0 or Round Zero), then it all makes sense, It's not rocket science.
Adelaide Coach, Mr Nicks, referred to the first round, that is The Opening Round, as "Round Zero". Which is a crazy thing to say. That's why Adelaide can't win a final with Nicks in charge.
Bailey Bayley
Mar 16, 2026
It is my considered opinion that in Season 2026 it is still too early to tell who will implode first, the Blues or the Bombers. My heart tells me Carlton but my head keeps saying Essendon.
saint peter
Mar 16, 2026
Welcome back Titus. I didn't know you don't acknowledge Opening Round. So I was thinking I have been sent back to reserves & have a good look myself.
It was great to read your inciteful & courageous comments. Saints supporters are feeling a little down at the moment. Just losing to Collingwood & going down to Melbourne. But I've no doubt we will beat the Eagles in Round 7 to spark as up.
Son of Plugger
Mar 16, 2026
Titus is back, and footy, and life itself, has meaning after all. Thirteen years? Feels much longer. That footy and Titus's KJR were born from the same egg. So to speak.
Titus--you mentioned St Kilda's "buyers remorse". There are remedies for buyers remorse, which is strongly covered by Australian Law. Returns, exchanges, warranties, and reselling items are common and legal remedies for unsatisfactory purchases. St Kilda Inc. should check the return policies of purchases, look at re-selling the purchases at close to cost price. or arranging a suitable purchase exchange. Perhaps St Kilda could also try invoking warranty in the case of defective purchases, or argue that the purchases themselves have not achieved reasonable expectations considering the cost of purchase. Australian law is very considerate to the purchaser, so St Kilda may still get out of this one OK.
Ponga
Mar 16, 2026
I wouldn't follow AFL if not for you.
Doctor J
Mar 16, 2026
A wedding reception that was alcohol free and vegan is cause for some A grade level anger. I should know I've actually been to one, and it's not a good place to be.
Great to have you back Titus.
Wingers
Mar 16, 2026
As an Eagles man the knee jerk reaction is the only humour I have in my life. Glad it’s back
Brad Scottnomates
Mar 16, 2026
"North can’t afford a lid, but if they did, they’d be taking it off."
Might be the Brownlow Medal of comments right there. The Tin Rattlers were on fire, and their 127 members loved it.