Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Thursday

Brisbane (76) v Geelong (117)

Here we go again. Geelong’s continual avoidance of the AFL’s equalisation efforts is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen.

And I’ve seen Jaws: The Revenge, where Chief Martin Brody, from the first film, dies of a heart attack, only for a shark to kill his son.

Chief Brody’s widow, Ellen, concludes it’s a revenge attack because we all know sharks communicate with each other and seek revenge.

Her family don’t believe her.

Ellen, then gets on a plane, travels thousands of kilometres to the Bahamas, only for the shark to follow the family.

I mean, really, the shark knows the itinerary of a plane? 

The shark then stalks her family in the Bahamas, and don’t they wish they’d listened to Ellen?

I mean, I know they took a lot of cocaine in Hollywood in the '80s, but that’s ridiculous.

Anyway, Geelong are like that shark, doing things that, frankly, should be impossible but equally terrifying.

This week’s Sports Bizarre Podcast is our series on Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, a man who appeared as a character in Seinfeld and fired everyone.

Friday

Sydney (81) v Collingwood (75)

Forget gold numbers. What we really need is some ‘Pendlebury would have been handy’ merch.

This is professional sport, not the WWE. You don’t organise everything around the storyline.

Resting Pendlebury to give him a win in his record-breaking game is all well and good, but not if you’re losing important games.

It also sets up the rather alarming scenario of West Coast spoiling the party next week. It’s not likely, but fingers crossed.

The Pies were good in this, too.

They got a lead early, but the Swans ramped up the pressure.

The Swans biggest enemy was themselves, as they squandered opportunity after opportunity.

Luckily for them, the sheer weight of numbers meant they still got over the top in the end.

That’s my secret to life, squandered opportunity after opportunity but I keep going and hope everything comes good.

That hasn’t happened yet, but I trust the process.

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Gold Coast (98) v Port Adelaide (73)

The Suns have now gone five seasons without being defeated in Darwin. It’s enough to make you wonder why they don’t just move there.

I know lots of people who have moved there for less convincing reasons.

Like my mate Jeff who moved there for, in his words, ‘the fishing and loose enforcement of Responsible Serving of Alcohol regulations.’

Jeff was also trying to avoid paternity payments, but he never publicly gave that as one of the reasons.

Anyway, it’s hard to win up there, and Port proved that, going down by 40 points at one stage before mounting something of a comeback.

Port were just too inconsistent, and the conditions didn’t help their forwards.

The question for the Suns, though, is the question we all have after spending a bit of time in Darwin: how long will the hangover last?

Saturday

Adelaide (133) v North Melbourne (65)

North fans felt like their rebuild was starting to get somewhere.

But a ten-goal-to-none second quarter was like seeing the guy doing your rebuild appearing on A Current Affair, covering his face while fleeing from a reporter. 

In the lead up to this game, all I heard was how North were a chance. That, finally, after all these years, they have finally got back to an AFL standard.

With Riley Thilthorpe and Taylor Walker both out, this was North’s chance to finally win a game at Adelaide Oval.

That line of thinking lasted until that second quarter, when the Crows rolled through the Roos like a hot knife through Pepe Saya Cultured Butter.

Adelaide had been working on their runoff half back, and based on this, that work is paying off.

Alastair Clarkson’s been at the Kangaroos since 2023, and while it was a big hole he had to dig the club out of, it would be helpful if a few of his players picked up a shovel.

Melbourne (120) v Hawthorn (81)

Dees fans had a tough week with the Federal Budget targeting two of their three favourite things, negative gearing and family trusts.

Luckily, their remaining favourite thing got things done against the Hawks. It made losing that eighth beach house a bit more bearable.

To be fair, Hawthorn were missing Jack Gunston and Tom Barrass, big outs, but the Dees work rate, especially in the second half, when they really got going, was impressive.

Steven King has revolutionised Melbourne’s side with new ideas like ‘how about we kick some goals?’ and ‘let’s try to enjoy playing footy.’

Melbourne supporters aren’t used to having fun at the footy, and it showed.

My great aunt forgot to open her second thermos full of chardonnay on Saturday, such was her excitement.

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Carlton (74) v Western Bulldogs (62)

Is it possible that coaching Carlton isn’t as hard as Michael Voss made it look?

It certainly looked like that on the weekend, although it was against a Bulldogs side so injured they’ve hired three people just to manage the Medicare paperwork.

Seeing the team you just left win a game must be like finding out the partner you left went on a really good date and they’re seeing each other again on Tuesday.

‘It’s too soon’, you scream into your pillow as you sob your eyes out, because you only broke up with them because you wanted to get in before they dumped you 

Then you wonder if your mum was right, that you’re the problem and no one will ever love you. That somehow you’re broken.

Wait, what were we talking about?

Sunday

Essendon (61) v Fremantle (104)

No one suffers more from the sacking of Michael Voss than Essendon.

No matter how bad the Bombers were, they could always point to Carlton and say, ‘get a load of these guys.’

Everyone knows that having someone worse than you at work is very handy.

At my former workplace, it was Derek in Accounts Receivable.

He was so hopeless you could sit in your performance review and say, ‘What’s with Derek?’ and the boss would just complain about him for the next forty minutes and forget why you were there.

Essendon have lost their Derek.

Fremantle don’t even need a Derek. They are on fire and travelling along perfectly.

Being Fremantle, they are under the radar. In fact, they are the Stealth Bomber of AFL sides.

They could win a Premiership and I’m not sure every Melbourne media outlet would report on it.

St Kilda (109) v Richmond (73)

A big congratulations to the Tigers for fielding a side this week.

While most sides hope for enough talent to put pressure on players to maintain their spot, at Tigerland, if you can stand, you play.

While a win was not on the Tigers wish list, getting through without losing another player was, and unfortunately, Campbell Gray went down with a hamstring.

It means next week, the kid who runs out through the banner will get to stay on and play.

St Kilda did everything they needed to do, and they needed this win.

They have Fremantle next week, which is like going from fighting an unwell puppy to fighting a grizzly bear.

West Coast (88) v Greater Western Sydney (71)

I was somewhat surprised by how entertaining this game was given the participants.

The Giants had their chances, but they struggled against the Eagles' relentless pressure, a sentence I haven’t written in almost a decade.

And there was no one more responsible for the win than Harley Reid, who finished with 33 disposals, 10 clearances, 12 inside 50s and two goals. 

He may work out after all.

The Giants really have fallen off a cliff this year. The question is, how far will they fall?

They’ve got players to return, but they don’t look that potent.

As for the Eagles, they face Collingwood next week, in which Scott Pendlebury will break the all-time game record. You probably didn’t know that because the build-up has been muted.

It does mean the Eagles could do one of the funniest things of all time.

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