Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Thursday

Geelong (68) v Adelaide (60)

Don’t let the close score fool you. This was a tougher watch than a politician’s Instagram feed.

A combination of wind, hail, Adelaide injuries and whatever Geelong were doing, made this an error-filled affair.

Geelong didn’t look that convincing throughout this, while the Crows were workmanlike given the absence of many key players.

Of course, it all came down to a key moment when a kick was awarded to Tom Atkins after he and Zac Taylor went for a ball near the boundary.

Despite the ball going out off Atkins boot, the umpire awarded the kick to Geelong under the lasso rule.

Apparently, the ARC can review these things, but didn’t, because the system is overly complicated and weird.

The AFL has admitted the umpire’s error, and it’s obvious this was the key moment and the Crows would have certainly won if it had been called correctly.

Geelong should have the four points taken off them and be stripped of draft picks for the next ten years. 

This week’s Sports Bizarre Podcast takes us to the world Romario, Ronaldo and Ronaldinho

Friday

Collingwood (87) v Greater Western Sydney (54)

I know the ladder means less than a horoscope at this point of the season, given no one really knows what round it is, but the Giants sit a lowly 15^th.

Against Collingwood, they looked less like an Orange Tsunami and more like a spilt can of Fanta.

With everyone concerned about Collingwood’s forward line woes, it was the Giants who looked about as dangerous as a plastic spork.

It’s not that hard to figure out what has gone wrong; eight key Giants are currently out injured. If I were the Giants, I would try to have fewer injuries.

Collingwood seemed to have no problems scoring. Even better, they seemed to have gotten their spark from the first gamer Oscar Steene.

Steene had to wait over 1100 days to make his debut.

It was a bit like a tag team match in the WWE, when one guy is getting belted forever, and finally, after the longest time, the other guy gets tagged in and tears the place apart.

In Steene, the Pies have found the solution to all their problems. No pressure on him at all. I can’t wait for the Copeland when he just beats out Nick Daicos. 

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Saturday

St Kilda (80) v Brisbane (113)

St Kilda’s return on investment from their offseason cash splash is a bit like mine when I invested in a relatively unknown North Korean cryptocurrency called Fraudcoin.

Looking back, fraud is not Korean for ‘Enormous riches’ as I’d been told. That one is on me.

St Kilda were foolish anyway to think you can buy success in the AFL.

The way to be successful is to set up as an expansion team in a location that is actively hostile to the sport.

We all know Ross Lyon has made it his life work to make his teams close to unwatchable, so when it took 20 minutes for the first goal to be scored, most neutrals would have switched off.

I didn’t because my family wanted to spend time with me, so I had to pretend this game was ‘really important’.

“This has huge ramifications for the top ten!”

Fremantle (103) v Richmond (43)

Richmond certainly didn’t embarrass themselves in the first half, especially given that they didn’t have any recognised ruckmen, or several other key components of a modern AFL side.

Unfortunately for the Tigers, AFL games have a second half.

That’s what separates the top teams from the bottom, being able to play a full four quarters.

Well, other things separate them, too, I guess. Like good players, skills, coaching, a gameplan, fitness, the fixture, training facilities, home field advantage, one of their fans goes and makes a cup of tea at the wrong time, culture, recruiting, salary cap management, list management, good administrators, AFL handouts, the blessings of the footy gods, blind luck, a limited amount of stuffing up.

But yeah, four quarters.

Fremantle are in their prime, but they always find a way to irritate their own fans.

This week it was their goal kicking, which is a classic for them.

Kicking 13.25 is fine against the Tigers but Dockers fans are very confident they’ll pull this nonsense in a key final.

Essendon (69) v North Melbourne (81)

Chernobyl, Exxon Valdez, the Hindenburg, the Charge of the Light Brigade and the Essendon Football Club. All man-made disasters that could have been avoided.

With sixteen losses in a row, the Bombers have imploded like a billionaire’s submarine.

This was a race to see who was worse, and North gave it a real crack, but even they couldn’t match the malaise that hangs around this Essendon side.

North can now finally say they are better than Essendon, but that’s a bit like saying you’re better than Tiger Woods at driving.

One point of interest was when Tristan Xerri smeared blood on the face of Andrew McGrath. 

This used to be how you got welcomed into most private boys' schools, but now, it’s significantly frowned upon.

What a nanny state. Once if you didn’t finish the game covered in an opponent’s blood, and ideal some of your own, you hadn’t played hard enough.

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Sunday

Port Adelaide (90) v West Coast (92)

West Coast has won two games in a row!

What heady times these are to be an Eagles supporter.

Amazingly, this game kicked off at 12pm Adelaide time, which is 9.30am in Perth. Even worse, this game was at 9:30 pm in New York, and 3:30 am in Paris.  

I can’t believe the AFL aren’t considering the people of Paris when scheduling Port Adelaide games.

Port got out to a strong start, four goals to none, only for the Eagles to get back into the game.

Those first four goals though, were all kicked by players named Jack. The simple conclusion is Port needs to recruit more players named Jack.

Carlton (77) v Melbourne (100)

If I was Essendon, I’d send Carlton a fruit basket or similar to thank them for distracting the footy world.

There’s been some spectacular collapses in history. Lay Down Sally, Kevin Spacey’s career, the Bronze Age. Now we can add Carlton to that list.

The Comedy Festival has only just started but the Blues have already won Most Outstanding Show.

Up by 43 points, it’s hard to convey just how in control of this game Carlton were in the first half.

The Dees barely saw the ball in the first quarter and only got vaguely acquainted with it in the second.  

Blues fans went into half-time feeling good, but still very aware they barrack for Carlton.

What happened next was both surprising and incredibly predictable.

The Dees got moving and the Blues reacted like they always do when things aren’t completely going their way, they froze.

Players stopped tackling, running, and trying.

Dezi Feeman should have hidden in Carlton’s forward pocket in the second half; no one would have found him.

Melbourne believed, Carlton didn’t.

Kysaiah Pickett set the tone from the second quarter, and dragged his team along, aided by 250 gamer Max Gawn.

Things are exciting when you don’t play the first half at all and still win comfortably.

Demons fans celebrated like the Luxury Car Tax had been lifted.

Melbourne do have some strategic flaws to address though. Mainly, the stark reality that you can’t play Carlton every week.   

The Blues now have the enviable task of pretending Michael Voss isn’t being sacked in the near future.

Byes: Gold Coast, Western Bulldogs, Hawthorn, Sydney.

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