Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.
On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.
What you really want is idiotic hysteria.
You've come to the right place.
Thursday
St Kilda (80) v Gold Coast (103)
The final round of the season, and what a way to kick it off, with two of the most disappointing teams of the season.
The Suns may have won here, but no team was predicted to finish so high, only to crash and burn like one of Elon’s rockets.
Not since the Y2K bug has something threatened to do so much, only to make everyone feel silly they worried about them at all.
Ben King was emotional after the game, I bet he felt the same relief I did when I managed to sneak away once during intermission at a musical.
St Kilda didn’t even win the title of most disappointing team of the year.
In a year where more teams than ever made the finals, the Saints still managed to dodge playing in September.
Their fans would be hoping for more than some funny Ross Lyon media conferences next year.
Friday
Collingwood (96) v Brisbane (159)
A belting on the MCG at the hands of the Lions, and Scott Pendlebury ended up injured. Fun for us, not for Pies fans.
I’m not sure why the Pies didn’t rest Pendlebury but they’ve only do that when there’s merchandise opportunities.
Perhaps they were the only club to:
A: Read the AFL’s memo telling teams not to rest players and;
B: Pay attention to it.
The Lions are going to win the premiership again, aren’t they?
It’s as inevitable as me getting type two diabetes one day.
Just as I was worrying that they didn’t have all the top talent in the league, Logan Morris comes out and kicks eight goals.
There’s a chance they won’t win, but there’s a chance my kids will be proud of me one day, it’s just the odds are low.
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Saturday
Carlton (119) v Fremantle (82)
Carlton’s turnaround cannot be underestimated.
It’s like if Steven Seagal suddenly started winning Oscars, or fire bombings stopped in Melbourne.
Even more amazingly, Josh Fraser has made it look easy.
Michael Voss looked like people were making him coach against his will. There have been bomb disposal professionals who have looked less stressed than he did.
When Fraser coaches, he looks like he’s a guy with the weekend off, who is about to sit down and play Grand Theft Auto for the next six hours.
They’ve even beaten Fremantle, although the Dockers had no reason to give this their all.
With home finals, the Dockers will be fine.
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Melbourne (87) v Western Bulldogs (108)
Demons fans left the MCG on Saturday wondering how a potential top four finish had morphed into a wildcard game against Carlton.
Add to that Jake Lever broke his foot and Jacob van Rooyen is out makes this the most traumatic season for Dees fans since the Stokehouse burnt down.
The reason they lost was a combination of insane pressure from the Bulldogs and the Dees fumbling the ball like it was made out of ice.
It means they now face Carlton, which used to be impossible to comprehend, but now seems a scary prospect.
The Doggies played so well they deserve a home final, and that’s what they’ll get, Collingwood at the MCG.
In life, you should aim to find someone who loves you as much as the AFL fixture department loves the Pies.
Geelong (133) v Richmond (76)
Richmond fans won’t be upset the season is over, and in further good news, Essendon will get the number one draft pick.
You want Essendon to pick ahead of you in the draft.
They always pick poorly. It’s like having a filter in front of you.
Geelong will be thrilled to finish in fifth spot. The season hasn’t been perfect by a long shot.
Injuries and an awkward paperwork oversight have taken the shine off recently, but they’re still Geelong.
Adelaide (157) v Greater Western Sydney (101)
Taylor Walker made fun of the idea he needed to retire, booting six-goals on Saturday, as the Crows moved into the top six.
Crows fans flocked to Adelaide Oval and were thrilled when he got going early.
For Crows fans, Taylor Walker is up there with Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee and Fritz.
Izak Rankine was again on fire, and he’ll need to stay that way for the Crows to go deep into September.
The Giants finished the season missing finals and with everyone’s favourite player Jake Stringer playing his last game.
For a team that’s been good in recent years, and still failed to attract a following, it will be interesting to see what happens now,
Sunday
Essendon (95) v Port Adelaide (105)
No one is happier that Essendon’s season is over than Bombers supporters and Zach Merrett.
Now a new coach is on the way.
I’m sure it not being James Hird will be well received and the whole club will get behind the new coach and all row in the same direction.
Port’s season wasn’t much better and now Zak Butters is heading off.
Who knows where he will head off to. I’d like to see him go to Geelong. It would be nice to see them finally land a big free agent.
Sydney (123) v North Melbourne (70)
Aside from the seriousness of the Swans night out last week, one thing everyone was astounded by was the pure stupidity of it all.
I’m not sure you can do something so stupid without a fair sense of entitlement though.
Add to that, it’s undermined a lot of work a host of people have put in to change this type of culture. Changing something is hard, and all too easy to undermine.
No wonder the overwhelming response has been anger.
People have worked hard to make football for everyone, because it should be for everyone.
We need things in this life that bring people together, especially when so many people seem hell-bent on tearing everyone apart.
West Coast (45) v Hawthorn (107)
There’s good news for the Hawks, they get a double finals chance.
The bad news, they have to go back to Optus Stadium in a fortnight to face Fremantle in a qualifying final.
Jack Gunston celebrated his 300th game in style with five goals. To think he was thought to be wrapping up his career just a few years ago.
West Coast check off another difficult season with just four wins, and even worse, they’ve watched the Dockers win the minor premiership.
This rebuild is taking so long it’s like a government is running it.
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COMMENTS
Crowy
Aug 24, 2026
Spot on again Titus. A painful year for many clubs is thankfully over. Good luck to the rest of them trying to beat Brisbane to another premieship!!
My favouite comment among the many was ' Taylor Walker is up there with Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee and Fritz' Great Croweater tradations indeed.
Tex Walkers Undies
Aug 24, 2026
Tex hits almost career best form as he finally gets ready to say goodbye. The Textimonial game was electric, and well-worth it's Saturday night spot. Hopefully there's still another 4 games left in the King of Adelaide, we are going to miss him in every way.
Sherwood Superstar
Aug 24, 2026
"In life, you should aim to find someone who loves you as much as the AFL fixture department loves the Pies."
Never a truer word written.
True Blue Masochist
Aug 24, 2026
AS a Blues supporter for over 70 years I'm used to curbing my expectations to minimise disappointment. But haven't they played like a new team under Josh Fraser? Having George Hewitt back is a real treat, but where is Adam Saad? He's been doing good work in the VFL team but probably won't get a run unless one of the young guns pulls a hammy, which I wouldn't wish on them..... maybe just a bit of soreness???
Victorypies
Aug 24, 2026
I'm not sure what the Pies are supposed to do. Maybe play at Marvel so only half of our members can turn up and no bulldog fans at all. Perhaps the game could be played at GWS' home ground - it's empty this weekend, just like every other weekend.
Bailey Bayley
Aug 24, 2026
"Who knows where Zak Butters will head off to? I’d like to see him go to Geelong. It would be nice to see them finally land a big free agent."
One can only smile quietly to oneself.
the g train
Aug 24, 2026
Normally agree with everything Titus says, more or less.
But this week was different.
"Their fans would be hoping for more than some funny Ross Lyon media conferences next year."
The one thing St Kilda fans avoid most is hope. They are perfectly comfortable with hopeless misery. It's familiar and dependable. And strangely comforting. Hope means the agony and stress of bracing for the inevitable collapse.
I am a St Kilda supporter.
Lilac Mist
Aug 24, 2026
If you cast you mind back a few years it was Eddie and the Pies that threw their toys over Freo resting The Pav (doesn’t he wish he was still in WA) and thus losing the last game of the year causing the pies to drop out of finals. That lead to the break before finals and no resting players nonsense in the first place. Amazingly they followed their own rule and so busted Pendles!
Woody
Aug 24, 2026
Maybe it's just me, but I still haven't seen the KJR 23, supposedly emailed last week.
Saint peter
Aug 24, 2026
Great work Titus. I'll back up Sherwood superstar. Never a truer word spoken although it was in print.
I don't think I'll be able to stand watching Ross next year. He had 4 years to get it right & no good. Now it is Corey enright's turn. As far as Zac butterrs goes:
Who knows where he will head off to. I’d like to see him go to Geelong. It would be nice to see them finally land a big free agent.
Son of Plugger
Aug 24, 2026
Really good KJR, Titus.
Your tribute to The Big Texan was fitting. Good stuff. And to highlight he's kicked 6 in his last home and away game was very sporting of you, especially considering you despise The Crows and everything Adelaide. Except for Maggie Beer's Strawberry and Elderberry cordial.
BUT, when The Package--one of the most uniquely talented players of his generation who is simply unmatchable--plays his final game for the Charcoal and Orange, you completely overlooked his same feat IN THE SAME GAME. Kicking 6 and showing he can play on for a while yet. It's not right, Titus. IT'S NOT RIGHT!!
Brendan
Aug 24, 2026
A good chuckle Titus, with the Cats’ free agency comment. And, to continue the analogies, the prospect of the Crows playing deep into Sept would be like a pie floater righting itself, keel down.
I’m afforded the luxury of “hope”, being a Lions’ fan. I’m anxious before every game, watch it each game with heart in mouth, and have even tipped against them on numerous occasions. But they continue to deliver most games, and I enjoy the Ws each week like I did a Wizz Fizz after school. I’ve purchased an 8-pack of these for the finals series…. here’s hoping.
Bob Dobalina
Aug 24, 2026
Victorypies maybe the Doggies should have home ground advantage regardless of what Pies supporters think? Just saying. You know, equity and all that...
Burntout Bomber
Aug 24, 2026
This particular Bombers fan - and all the other Bombers fans that I personally know - are more than happy that it's not Hird. I mean, even aside from THAT saga, it's not like he had a great coaching record anyway. It's just so sad HOW those idiots managed to sink Sydney's season even lower than ours - utterly indefensible.
The G-Station
Aug 24, 2026
It's true Titus, that "St Kilda didn’t even win the title of most disappointing team of the year", which is disappointing particularly as Ross Lyon's coaching style would usually achieve the result.
However, if it was assessed over the last 10 years, or even over the last 100 years, St Kilda surely wins the title. Ross Lyon will not disappoint us next year and will surely help us cement the title by ensuring along the grand journey of yet another AFL season, the Saints will offer some hope, but only to fail at various crucial hurdles along the way
Hobart Jack
Aug 24, 2026
The Eagles’ rebuild is so bad Titus it’s like all 29 Councils here in Tassie are running it.
Hobart Mack
Aug 24, 2026
Dees fans are in 7th hell - what an opportunity lost. But all is not because it’s official that in lieu of
Premiership medals, all players will receive a copy of “Trac’s” latest cook book - “Tanks for the Recipes”. Perfect for Father’s Day.
Michael lost in bomberland
Aug 24, 2026
Titus - a fitting finale to the home and away season with the sensitivity that it deserves. Godspeed the finals - may the best team win. Michael
nathan
Aug 24, 2026
What happened to round 23? was expecting something epic about 2 draws etc :(
No Worries Mate
Aug 24, 2026
@Nathan & @Woody
KJR 23 was a classic. It said everything by saying nothing. The round was so incredibly unlikely that it probably didn’t actually happen.
I worked out the probability of Haw vs Coll drawing twice in the same season with the same player in each draw taking a kick after the siren to determine the game and the two games producing almost identical scores AND the first openly contrived draw in the history of footy (WBs vs Carl) AND Australia being thrashed by Bangladesh in test cricket during Round 23—and this combination of events in R 23 is literally billions of times LESS LIKELY than civilisation being wiped out by a meteorite within the next 12 months.
Titus did the right thing. He may have saved us all with a null KJR 23.
Sheldon Wiebe
Aug 24, 2026
Re: the Sydney game: there's a time to not be funny. Nicely done.
Simon Coombes
Aug 24, 2026
You guys really need relegation to keep that feeling of terror going to the last few matches, like we do over here in the football leagues ;)