Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place. 

For those in Melbourne, I’ll be performing live in Titus & Lehmo’s AFL Finals Extravaganza on Saturday the 30^th of August. Tickets have just gone on sale today.

Friday

Essendon (75) v St Kilda (77)

Originally, I was only tuning in to see Nasiah Wanganeen-Milera play and wait for Freo-Brisbane to start.

Then the Bombers made this a real contest.

With nothing on the line, Essendon brought the sort of pressure that would win them games if they did it regularly or when it matters.

It would also help if everyone wasn’t injured, and Jayden Laverde was added to the list with a hip injury seeing him taken off in the second quarter.

Playing for Essendon is more dangerous than working in a mine.

As for the Saints, they just re-signed Wanganeen-Milera, their biggest win since 1966.

Fremantle (44) v Brisbane (101)

The problem with being a Fremantle fan, is your team so often lives up to your expectations.

They say in football that it’s the hope that kills you, but that’s not true; it keeps you alive, so you must go through things like this again and again.

At home, the Dockers knew if they won, they would play finals, so starting with eight straight behinds was an odd decision.

The opening quarter was a disaster for them, and things only improved slightly after that.

Brisbane couldn’t believe their luck, they were playing well, and the Dockers were playing with the enthusiasm of a parent off to see their kid perform tree number four in the school play.

The Lions finished with 147 uncontested marks and couldn’t believe their luck.

Now they’ve locked down finals, and could be peaking at the right time, or they could have just played Freo. 

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Saturday

Gold Coast (76) v Greater Western Sydney (111)

Is it possible the Suns are allergic to finals? They’ve famously never made them, and it’s no sure thing after this performance.

Looking to secure a top four spot, the Suns were completely overwhelmed by a Giants side that was determined to not miss out on September.

Given the Giants were missing Josh Kelly, Jesse Hogan, Brent Daniels, Jack Buckley and Jake Stringer, this was a terrible performance from the Gold Coast.

The Giants can technically still miss, but a lot of things, many of them unlikely, would have to happen.

As for the Suns, they need to win at least one of their next two matches.

The first is against Port Adelaide at Adelaide Oval, and the next is on a Wednesday night against Essendon at home.

That’s the make-up game from Opening Round, when some light wind and drizzle saw the game cancelled.

Imagine losing to Essendon after the season to miss the finals! What an exciting competition the AFL is with its scheduling done by a drunk algorithm.

Carlton (118) v Port Adelaide (64)

Power fans knew things are bad, but being thumped by Carlton bad?

You know your team is bad when journalists can put ‘comfortable win’ in a story and are referring to the Blues.

Even worse, the Power made Harry McKay look like Tony Lockett, something previously though impossible by the World’s top scientists.

It would be fair to say the Ken Hinkley-Josh Carr handover has not been a rousing success.

The players looked checked out and have for some time.

For the Blues, it’s a promising sign that if they play meaningless games against sides who have no interest being there, they can be a dominant side.

Hawthorn (92) v Melbourne (56)

Sadly, I went to this, and at one point almost died.

In the second quarter on a trip to the bar, I slipped on a half-eaten chip and almost killed myself, in front of a box of pissed blokes who thought it was hilarious, which it was.

Unfortunately, I steadied myself and didn’t fall over, which sadly meant I had to watch the second half.

It was another chance to watch my beloved Dees butcher inside fifties, with 56 of them for a return of eight goals.

If there was a medal for making terrible decisions on the field, half this Dees side would be in the mix. In fact, about five of them could have the Medal named after them.

The Hawks had no such problems, slicing through the Dees with ease at points, with Jack Gunston booting seven goals, despite being 57 years old.

If the Hawks had of kicked more accurately for goal, this would have been an even bigger victory.

Either way, they’ve locked in finals.

Adelaide (59) v Collingwood (56)

The worst thing for Pies fans is that while they’re going through hell with five losses from the past six games, the rest the world has been enjoying it immensely.

It’s been the best thing to happen to humanity since the invention of penicillin.

Even the umpires are having fun with this, deciding not to make calls to ensure a Pies loss, and you know what? Most people are OK with that.

It’s been 3,318 long days since the Crows defeated the Pies, all the way back in 2016.

The world was a different place in 2016, it was the International Year of Global Understanding, something we no long do.

Could the world have changed so much that the Crows could win a Premiership?

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Sunday

North Melbourne (135) v Richmond (87)

When a player has 28 disposals and five clearances in the first half, you might want to consider putting someone on him.

This thought didn’t seem to cross Adem Yze’s mind, in regard to Harry Sheezel, who finished the game with a tidy 54 disposals and two goals.

It ties the record for most possessions in a game, and it would be hard to argue he wasn’t damaging.

Yze probably didn’t care because what are results to him now? He’s had a better-than-expected year, the kids are developing, and he seems to care more about them working on their system and game.

The real problem North have is they’ve gone above Richmond on the ladder now, which means they now have the number three pick.

Still, lucky they still have that pick in the top five. You wouldn’t want to lose that.

Sydney (68) v Geelong (111)

Would you look at that! Geelong are second on the ladder heading into the finals. It’s like clockwork. Every single year.

If you’re a Cats fan, the only negative at the moment is that Jeremy Cameron was held goalless.

Almost everything else about this game was perfect for them, Sydney gave them a good challenge, without being too challenging, and Bailey Smith managed to squeeze in a second date with Tammy Hembrow. 

It’s great news, especially for us romantics who believe in true love.

One issue that came up again was the SCG surface. Chris Scott said the centre square was "like Mumbai".

Weird, the centre square didn’t look like the financial capital of India.

Western Bulldogs (126) v West Coast (32)

The Bulldogs needed a win, and they got something better, the West Coast Eagles; it’s like a bye but you get four points.

Add to that the Gold Coast Suns losing and the Doggies are now in the eight.

Now, the challenge is to stay in there, like that time I snuck into the VIP area of Chasers.

They need to defeat Fremantle this week to play finals, which is hardly Mission Impossible. 

For those in Melbourne, I’ll be performing live in Titus & Lehmo’s AFL Finals Extravaganza on Saturday the 30^th of August. Tickets have just gone on sale today.

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus