Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.
On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.
What you really want is idiotic hysteria.
You've come to the right place.
Thursday
Hawthorn (110) v Collingwood (46)
Hawks fans will tell you it’s been a tough few years, with a lack of self-awareness that would make Meghan Markle blush, but they really enjoyed this win over Collingwood.
And it didn’t even seem hard.
Things started badly for the Pies, when Jeremy Howe went off almost immediately after a head clash with Jai Newcombe.
It’s enough to rattle anyone, and the Pies from there seemed rattled, especially in defence.
But this isn’t new for the Pies.
Four defeats from its past five games have, like a vape shop in Melbourne, left the Pies a smouldering ruin.
The Pie now don’t just look wobbly; they look as stable as a South American currency.
Usually, the Pies wait until finals to fall apart, but this is fun too.
And while we all enjoy a Pies loss, watching Collingwood take on Hawthorn is a bit like watching Elon Musk take on Mark Zuckerberg; you’re sad there’s a winner and that both exist.
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Friday
Geelong (109) v Essendon (65)
Essendon fans have gotten used to the club discovering exciting new ways to torture them. This season saw them lose three players to injury… in a bye week.
That looked to be the high point of their season, but no, Dylan Shiel managed to get referred directly to the tribunal for an act that injured his teammate.
That’s Essendon, always trying new things.
With everyone at Essendon either injured or about to get injured, what’s left of their team showed a lot of heart in this one.
Cats fans were more interested in how Jeremy Cameron would go, given that the outcome of this was pretty much assured.
In his chase for 100 goals, Cameron finished on 79 for the year after only kicking only four goals. What a loser!
Saturday
Richmond (52) v St Kilda (56)
Just two more stops left in Nasiah Wanganeen-Milera’s Farewell to St Kilda Tour and once again, he proved what a loss he is going to be.
With Richmond putting more pressure on than a charity mugger, the Saints looked rattled, but managed to just fall across the line.
Richmond just lacked a bit of polish when it mattered, and really, it didn’t matter; the Tigers are building for the future and have so many draft picks you’d thing they were an AFL expansion team.
My personal highlight of the game was when Rowan Marshall ripped off Kamdyn McIntosh’s headband.
It resulted in a free kick, which was not a surprise. In most workplaces, if you randomly rip an item of clothing off someone, consequences tend to follow.
Brisbane (90) v Sydney (92)
Well, this totally makes up for last year’s Grand Final loss.
The Swans were everything they weren’t last September, present.
With nothing on the line, the Swans felt no pressure and played like it.
The final scoreline flatters the Lions, as they kicked three goals in the last minute.
The Lions are in serious trouble.
They’ve had just one win in the last three games, and that win was against the lowly Collingwood Football Club.
Now is not the time to be dropping games like this.
Like a man eating a souvlaki at 3am on a Sunday morning, the Lions made a real mess of things on the weekend.
Carlton (74) v Gold Coast (93)
Say what you like about them, but Carlton do have a strong brand.
It’s to be disappointing, then rally hope, then fall short when it matters.
On Saturday, they delivered on all their key pillars.
For the first three quarters, they did very little, to the tune of being down by 45 points at three-quarter time, and then they kicked six of the final seven goals and looked to be a real chance, only to still lose.
Why do they do this to their fans? There are torturers who have more empathy for their victims than Carlton.
It was a scare Damien Hardwick probably appreciated, a reminder to his players that the AFL is like hanging out with extended family, you can never relax and never let your guard down.
Port Adelaide (86) v Fremantle (92)
This didn’t deserve to be as good a game as it was.
Port Adelaide haven’t exactly troubled the scorers this season; in fact they haven’t troubled anyone.
The first quarter saw the Power held goalless and it looked like the Dockers were in for an easy night.
Then the Power rattled off eight goals in the second quarter, and it was on.
Suddenly, even Aliir Aliir kicked a goal. Just madness.
Seven goals of those eight goals game in a 16-minute span, meaning Port had squeezed all their best football for an entire season into a quarter of an hourly.
It had Freo scrambling to stay in touch and they had to dig deep to stay in touch at times.
With a minute to go and the score tied, it was that well-known key forward Alex Pearce who took big pack mark and kicked the winning goal.
Freo fans would be shocked; things could have gone badly and didn’t.
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Sunday
Greater Western Sydney (133) v North Melbourne (79)
This game happened. It happened exactly as you would expect, then it was over.
Melbourne (99) v Western Bulldogs (105)
To be a star, you need to do big things in key moments, and that’s what Sam Darcy did when he ran back with the flight and took the key mark in this game.
It came amongst a bunch of highlights in a game that didn’t deserve to be as entertaining as it was.
The Dogs, after all are fighting for the top eight, while Melbourne are fighting to hope the next coach wants to keep them; both reasons seemed motivating.
Sacking a Premiership coach is never an easy thing to do, and even worse is having to sit next to them the next day and explain why.
Imagine breaking up with someone and then having to do a media conference sitting next to them.
“It’s not them, it’s me. But also, obviously, I think it’s them.”
Now I think of it, many a partner has broken up with me, citing a need to get a new voice, or more importantly, not to hear mine anymore.
In the end, when it came down to the last five minutes, the Dogs were just better organised, but it’s a scare for them.
West Coast (78) v Adelaide (87)
Sure, they didn’t win, but for four quarters, the Eagles looked like a real professional AFL club and not a bunch of people forced to do community service.
In fact, entire minutes went by with outbreaks of competency occurring all over the ground.
The last time the Eagles did that, the world had never heard of COVID.
This obviously caught the Crows by surprise.
That’s the problem in the AFL, the minute people start saying you could be premiership favourite, things tend to go pear-shaped.
Crows fans had been hoping they could keep quietly sneaking up on the competition, but in the last few weeks people, even people in Victoria, have remembered they exist.
You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus
COMMENTS
KP
Aug 11, 2025
Being a Hawks supporter, I've never barracked harder for a Melbourne win than yesterday. I now understand your pain Titus, I am here for you Brother.
Essendon fan
Aug 11, 2025
Brilliant analogies, Titus.
peter freeman
Aug 11, 2025
WELL DONE GEELONG!
PETER FREEMAN OAM
Derek Fletcher
Aug 11, 2025
Getting sick of your constant bagging of Hawthorn, Titus. What harm have they done you other than the 1988 Grand Final?
And the comparison of Collingwood and Hawthorn to Musk and Zuckerberg is deeply deeply offensive to both teams. That insult is like one of Trump's, that's how bad it is. Also notice you pick out Sam Darcy for praise , how about recognising young Calsher Dear's two great speccies on the night?
Rooboy
Aug 11, 2025
I think this is your best work yet, especially: watching Collingwood take on Hawthorn is a bit like watching Elon Musk take on Mark Zuckerberg; you’re sad there’s a winner and that both exist. So true, so true.
Of the MANY players in that game I would have loved to see knocked out (Sicily is 1, 2 and 3 on that list BTW) Howe, J. was not on it. Sad for him.
DON FRANCISCO'S SISTER
Aug 11, 2025
@ Derek Fletcher
Steady on, Derek. It's true Titus constantly bags Hawthorn. But that's just because the Hawthorn Football Club happens to be his particular bête noire. Hawthorn plus Collingwood. Plus the umpires. Plus Carlton. Plus Essendon.
Doug
Aug 11, 2025
It wasn’t the head clash that concussed Jeremy Howe. The bloke with whom he collided, Jai Newcomb(?), was back on the ground half an hour later after the “concussion protocols”. It was when his head hit the ground - you could see it bounce. The odds for a Hawthorn win last Thursday, and an Adelaide win next Saturday shortened considerably at that moment.
Something the “journalists” talking about who has the easiest run home to September and the vagaries of the draft have overlooked. Collingwood’s game against Hawthorn was their third game in twelve days. The game against Adelaide will be their second in ten games. Perhaps the brains trust at AFL HQ might like to consider the efffect of that sort of scheduling when they put the fix in on next year’s roster.
Derek Fletcher
Aug 11, 2025
Yes ,@ DON FRANCISCO'S SISTER. The fact Titus constantly bags Hawthorn is the reason I'm sick of it. It's like your demented Grandfather repeating the same old tired unoriginal joke over and over. He wouldn't get away with it on stage.
And to @ ROOBOY , Loving - as you put it- to see Sicily knocked out is as infantile as it is plain nasty. Grow up if you can mate.
Son of Plugger
Aug 11, 2025
Really good, Titus.
But your GWS vs NM summary was a bit underdone. Wouldn't "The game played out predictably and ended. And T Greene took 10 marks" be better?
Some say Collingwood are struggling late in the season cause they are too old. But they just re-signed Scotty Pendlebury. I literally can't remember any time in my life when Scotty wasn't playing for Collingwood. And I'm in my 50s.
Mac Hawk
Aug 11, 2025
I love that Titus bags Hawthorn. I love to see him suffer. I love it when we make all other fans suffer. I love that footy brings out the absolute worst in us.
And above all, I love James Sicily and Elon and love that Elon and James send you all into a deranged head spin.
Next week- Hawks v Dees.....and Elon will be there sporting a Hawk scarf.
Fifth umpire
Aug 11, 2025
Hey Derek: wrong tone mate. Don’t like: Don’t read. Oh, and I’m also a Hawks fan.
the g train
Aug 11, 2025
Great stuff, Titus. Harsh but fair this Monday, I would have thought.
The Richmond vs St Kilda game was an absolute gem. Rossy Lyon at his best. He was interviewed after the game whilst in exuberant laughter and mirth. "Yeah, look, really proud of the boys. And myself too, I gotta say. To play in perfect breathless conditions at The G, against a bottom 3 team, to be down at 3 quarter time, to score only 8 goals for the game, for both teams to score a combined 0.1 over the last 15 minutes of the game, AND TO STILL WIN--well, that's just perfection. As good as it gets".
The Moderator
Aug 11, 2025
@derek fletcher I think you’ll find no shortage of Vic based AFL commentators who don’t write footy satire to give your Hawks a shoutout. When I get sick of their overt barracking during a broadcast I switch them off. I wonder if it’s time to scroll on by if you’re sick of grandads jokes. Some of us quite enjoy them.
crash
Aug 11, 2025
Did anyone know Scott Pendlebery was a basketballer?
Haven't heard about any ex basketballers for weeks.
I think a background in Rugby, Union or League, is an excellent grounding for AFL. And Visa versa.
Bomber Bill
Aug 11, 2025
Firstly @Don Francisco's Sister - what a fabulous pseudonym! How hard was it to have a talented sibling with his classic hits "He's Alive" and "I Don't Care Where You've Been Sleeping"!
And errr, @Derek Fletcher I know a venue owner near the MCG who hates it when Hawthorn win because you all are cashed up (more than the average supporter), smash down the craft beers and talk more loudly, with every beverage consumed, in condescending tones. You guys just don't get it. You have had the most amazing run since your first premiership in 1961. You got your first one five years before St Kilda's only flag and you have won twelve more since! Get some perspective. I have worries all year that the Pies will beat my mob and Carlton to the 17th premiership... now it's more of a concern that you guys will get to No. 17 in September 2028!
I'd love @Don Francisco's Sister's brother to write a song about Hawthorn fans' 'lack of Self-Awareness'. Love it Titus.
Titus, I know you hate my mob (and @Derek Fletcher, the point is that it's funny that he hates us) but we are so bad at present you are even showing us sympathy!
saint peter
Aug 11, 2025
Great article Titus - well researched and written is all I can say.
Fancy giving away a free for ripping off a head band. I didn't know there was a rule about taking off a headband of the opposition player. The only consequences should be getting the guy mad & him punching the S**T out of you.
Next week I'd like to see some love for Hawthorn so keep it up Titus your doing really well.
Matt
Aug 11, 2025
As a North supporter I share your justified complete lack of interest in the team.
BIG BAD JOHN
Aug 11, 2025
Just love the fact that nearly all finalists will be non Melbourne.
Fairwestuff
Aug 11, 2025
KJR is a satirical spoof and yet some who read it are pretty thin skinned. I mean the Weagles are a non competitive unit in 2025 and all old mates and I could only do was agree with Titus’s or Titie ie (after platypus and plural platypi) assessment through out this season. There are many teams that flogged the Weagles and all we could do was grin and laugh at the derision mounted upon my team but the worm will turn and every dog will have it’s day It is worth reading the thoughts of the many contributors here for the humorous anecdotes that they constantly churn out Well done Titus and everyone who derives a laugh and doesn’t take it too seriously!!!😀😀😀
Fat Side
Aug 11, 2025
Titus, to avoid any misunderstanding, maybe you need to put a content warning at the start of your column, something like "Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.
On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.
What you really want is idiotic hysteria.
You've come to the right place."
Hayden Kelly
Aug 11, 2025
Good stuff Titus pity you have got Decka the Hawk offside. I admire Hawks supporters like Decka as they have stuck through thick and thick times. Good on em.
Keep up the good work Titus
HK
Johnny Geo
Aug 11, 2025
I almost got more entertainment from poor old Dereck the Hawc… than from Titus hisself (who was pure gold). Titus been making fun of my beloved flawless Freo forever. It’s his job! harden up Dereck
Johnny Geo
Aug 11, 2025
* flagless. absolutely not flawless! damn you autodefect.
DownsUnder
Aug 11, 2025
What Fatside said….
DON FRANCISCO'S SISTER
Aug 11, 2025
@ THE MODERATOR
"When I get sick of their overt barracking during a broadcast I switch them off."
Jumping on and off bandwagons seems to be some AFL commentators' (and pretty much all pundits') favourite activity. And the quality of their on-air discourse remains stuck at the semi-moronic level. It hasn't evolved since the days when TV broadcasters thought having Crackers Keenan on a commentary panel was a good idea.
Rooboy
Aug 11, 2025
Ahhhhh Derek Fletcher. Like others have said: you don't get the comedy here champ, or anywhere I suspect, for the following reasons: 1. You got named Derek (not your fault) yet you trot out your full name on this forum without a hint of attempting a fun/stupid/bogan/ironic handle; 2. You barrack for Hawthorn; 3. You get offended by humour, irony and satire. 4. ...no, that's it. To quote a great man: "It’s the vibe and ah, no that’s it. It’s the vibe. I rest my case."
For the record, I don't want to see Sicily knocked out ...hospitalised for some reason, for sure!
Andrew of 3040
Aug 12, 2025
LOL "that win was against the lowly Collingwood Football Club." Hilarious ... and prescient.