Every now and then when the telegrams and faxes pile up, I open a bottle of Scotch, light the fire and respond to some of the questions I’ve been sent.

Are the questions, particularly clever or interesting? Usually a lot more than the answers.

Those crazy English

England’s football coach earns 4.6 million, Iceland’s is a dentist. I still don’t know who earns more, but my money is on the dentist. – Jean-Paul Stannus

It’s fitting that Iceland’s coach is a dentist, he dealt out a significant amount of pain to that tiny island nation.

As a proud Australian, I love to hate all the English sporting teams. On balance, this has worked out really well for me, the English in the main perform pretty poorly in a wide range of sports.

Of course, our nation’s great embarrassment, the Wallabies, have a nasty habit of making them look good but aside from that, England are a country that punches well under their weight.

I’m fairly confident the English do so poorly in sport due to the lack of sunshine their bodies receive growing up.

The average Australian receives more Vitamin D from sunlight while sitting inside, at night, than an English person receives in their entire lifetime. That’s science.

If English fans don’t like the result against Iceland can they petition to replay the match (especially since Wales is still in it)? – Stej Bosnjak

While we’re all fairly used to England acting against its best interests on the field, it’s rare to see them do it on such a massive scale off it.

The spectacular own goal that’s been the Brexit vote reminds me of when Melbourne was being run by Cameron Schwab but on a national scale. It’s possible Paul Roos will be enticed over to fix England. Not that they could pay him in pounds, since they’re now essentially worthless.

I’m not sure if the rules allow it but England should be the first country to win a Darwin Award.

I’ve said this before but when you get idiots in large enough numbers they can be dangerous, like zombies. It’s a weight of numbers thing. Everyone knows that one idiot at work is manageable, but when you’re surrounded by them, bad things happen.

Collingwood

Do you think Eddie’s main KPI this year is to surpass Allan McAlister in the unsavoury incident stakes? – Mark Armsden

I’ve come to the conclusion that Eddie is just aiming to have an annual event that alienates large sections of the community. So far he’s touched the issues of race and gender equality, so it will be exciting to see what he does next year.

Would you trade Travis Cloke for a Washing Machine? – Liam Ahern

Is this a trick question? Firstly, am I the owner of the washing machine or of Travis Cloke?

If I’m receiving a washing machine for Travis Cloke, then the answer is yes, especially if it’s a top loader.

Kick the same amount of footballs to Travis Cloke and a toploader with the lid open and the toploader catches more of them everytime.

What is behind the tactic of a player who has just stuffed up pointing in all directions and mouthing off? Is it to indicate who really caused the stuff up? No one seems to take any notice anyway. – Frank O’Brien

It’s a technique as old as the game itself. In recent times, Brendon Goddard has taken it to new heights, often beginning the pointing before he stuffs up.

You could suggest it’s to switch the mind onto other things and move on after a mistake but we all know it’s because they know the camera is going to be on them and it’s better than standing their doing nothing.

My preference after stuffing up is to have a glass of whiskey but that may explain why I often commit a string of errors before passing out under my next door neighbour’s porch.

Speaking of whiskey…

I caught my friend drinking the last of my Glenlivet 12-year-old single malt with Coke. Is this sufficient grounds to end the friendship? – Lee Segat

Firstly, Lee are you OK? This seems more than anyone should ever go through.

The only things that should be added to whiskey are ice and sadness, and I’m not even sure about the ice.

Someone who puts coke in your Glenlivet isn’t a friend, so there’s no need to ‘end the friendship’ as you put it, there never was one.

Somethings you just can’t forgive. It’s what amazes me about Anthony Stevens, Glenn Archer and Wayne Carey all making up recently.

I still haven’t forgiven a family member for taping over my VHS copy of Police Academy 3 and that was twenty years ago.

Dinner at Gil’s

What did Gillon McLachlan serve you for dinner? – Dave Lloyd

Unfortunately, I was unable to attend the coaches’ dinner held at the AFL CEO’s house for two reasons.

Firstly, I wasn’t invited. This wouldn’t always stop me, I mean if I only went to things I was invited to, I’d never go anywhere.

The second and more problematic reason is Gillon and all of the nine coaches in attendance have restraining orders against me.

To be honest, it’s hard to keep track of all the restraining orders out against me and the different conditions they stipulate. Luckily, I have an app that shows where I can go and alerts me if I’m breaching the conditions. Basically, if I leave the house it starts beeping.

Federal Election

Who in the hell allowed a federal election campaign to coincide with the bye rounds? I’ve lost the will to live. – Rhombus Isotope

I couldn’t agree more. This campaign has been like watching last night’s Eagles/Bombers match but spread over several months.

The bye rounds are terrible enough but being told promises I know are never going to be fulfilled is like listening to the Richmond board telling you their plan for the future.

I’ve decided next election that I’m running for high office on a platform of more money for sporting stadiums, an immigration policy based on athletic prowess and lowering the voting and drinking age to twelve.

The only downsides I see in being a politician, is having to regularly go to Canberra, meet the general public while pretending to care about them and spending all that time with other members of Parliament.

Should be being part of the fanatics at an overseas sporting event be a valid reason to cancel your passport? – Sean

Sean, you’ve just added another plank to my election platform.

Lies, damned lies, and statistics

Seeing as the obsession with statistics is turning football into a balance sheet, can you quantify the stupidity of the average football fan? – Adsandjen Clark

It’s a fair point about the use of statistics. My problem isn’t the heavy use of them, it’s that those who use them a lot in the media are often so wrong in their predictions.

All that statistical analysis seems a rather time consuming process just to be wrong.

I can be wrong in no time at all, just by going off my gut and the prejudices I subconsciously have but pretend I don’t.

To the heart of your question, I think the average footy fan is by their very nature pretty dumb. There’s a proviso though, it’s when it comes to our own team.

Nowhere else is it so clear how much humans fool themselves than when it comes to their own footy team. We think players that are terrible are great for much longer than we should and we regularly think we’re in with a better chance than we are.

Get me on the topic of the Melbourne Football Club and you might as well be speaking to someone denser than a neutron star.