Australian Cricket Team promise to get better at cheating | Titus O'Reily

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Australian Cricket Team promise to get better at cheating

The Australian Cricket Team has apologised for getting caught cheating at Newlands and vowed to get better at it.

In a packed media conference, Steve Smith said the team had overlooked the 30 broadcast cameras at the ground and the fact yellow tape doesn’t blend in against white uniforms.

“This was obviously our first attempt at cheating,” said Smith winking for some reason, “but we’re committed to it and we will get better.”

Cameron Bancroft, who tampered with the ball, said the incident had delivered some key learnings that would be taken on board.

“Obviously, we couldn’t foresee that our every movement would be filmed and watched by an audience of millions, so we’ll take that on board.

“And while yellow wasn’t the best choice, originally, we were going to go with hot pink, so I think we’re at least on the right path.

“Getting caught is probably our biggest takeaway. Cheating works best when you don’t get caught.”

Smith said that probably the most disappointing thing about their plan was that it didn’t really work.

“The aim of cheating is to make winning easier, so cheating and still getting smashed is kind of amazing.”

“It’s a work in progress though, so we’ll get there.”

When asked if putting more effort into getting better at cricket was a feasible alternative to cheating, Smith blinked for five minutes saying nothing before a media adviser ended the conference.

Titus will be performing at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival and the Sydney Comedy Festival. 

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Gareth 25 March 2018

Thanks for the laugh Titus, except it's basically the real story and sadly not satire!

Stu 25 March 2018

Spot on. If you don't laugh you'll just cry.

Moldi 25 March 2018


Geezer 25 March 2018

Brilliant. Nearly choked on my cornflakes.

Geezer 25 March 2018

Brilliant. Nearly choked on my cornflakes.

Roger 25 March 2018

I have to agree with Gareth. Unfortunately you've turned into a reporter on this one, not a moment of humour in it.

Kim jong un 26 March 2018

If this is reportin ratha than satire you should kome to PRNK and see how rurl reportin and satire is verbatum. This be entirly send up not a bit of reportin.

Norm 25 March 2018

I think they should get Lance A to give them a few tips !!

Lance Legstrong 25 March 2018

Why did Smith choose Bancroft? Clearly he’s a novice. That a bad captain’s pick. Cheating requires strategic thinking, preparation and training - sometimes drugs can help too.

Kim jong un 26 March 2018

Gud leder chuzes peasant for fodda. Why put self in front of firin sqod, dumb ozzies always wanna shoot themselves. For hundred years ozzies bitch about breka mirant being shot for killan affrikan farmers in a war now wanta shoot my frend Steevie for having one derty ball playing kriket Go fig.

Jason 25 March 2018

Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh.

Dael Parry 25 March 2018

The most embarrassing ,humiliating behavior of our cricketers since the under arm bowl from Greg / Trevor Chappell. Australian cricket lovers will take years to recover from this. If ever!!

Anonymous 25 March 2018

Underarm was not cheating at the time it was legal, but not was not moral.

Kim jong un 26 March 2018

One nuke an se wat tooks longer to recuva, neede to get rurl here.

Colin of Pascoe Vale 25 March 2018

I was waiting for your take on this, and you did not disappoint.

Andy 25 March 2018

Dael- as many others have pointed out. This is actually clearly worse than the underarm incident which was unsporting but not literally cheating.

Monoccular 25 March 2018

Did Smith do the same media training as Denial Andrews: really sorry (that I was caught) but why should I step down??

Biggus 25 March 2018

The whole bloody team should be sent home. Maybe that'll make this test a draw!

Robe 25 March 2018

They don't have a home any more as far as I'm concerned.

Glenn 25 March 2018

At least yellow is part of the national kit. White tape would be closer to the symbolism of a white feather.

Boris 25 March 2018

Thanks for the laugh at a time most Australians are feeling embarrassed & furious with the behaviour & arrogance of this team.

Kim jong un 26 March 2018

Furyius is for losa, arigance is for gud team winna. KJU no arrigance i boom boom losas with bigga rokit ball cut back buth way no need sandypapa in tin undys. Wee in PRNK gunna hak tv replay cameras show pics of bumpas that woosey afrikans duck hitting pads bottum da stumps. Howzat fer out, Ozzies gunnas be cheat gud no get cort. Steviee me frend we both badest muthas he lern cheet best in oz make oz calm down no gud fer reel woold if too soft, tuffen up like mee rokits.

Brendan 25 March 2018

Smith has no option other than to step down. Also those involved in the "leadership group" discussion not named need to stand up and also take responsibility. Otherwise not only have we a cheating Australian National team but a team involving cowards.

Kim jong un 26 March 2018

Wat is ledershup grup it be no gud need one leder only lika mee. Ledershup grup is kommittee one that nose kamel was horse designed by ledershup grup. Fcuk da grup thay make Balcoft undys no hide secret weapon. Real leder no stand up he stand otha up boom boom.

Kim jong un 26 March 2018

Wat is ledershup grup it be no gud need one leder only lika mee. Ledershup grup is kommittee one that nose kamel was horse designed by ledershup grup. Fcuk da grup thay make Balcoft undys no hide secret weapon. Real leder no stand up he stand otha up boom boom.

Glen 25 March 2018

Purge! Rebuild with George Bailey!

Kevin 25 March 2018

Wonder what grit sandpaper it was maybe 120grit

Bloke from the outer 25 March 2018

Maybe they can get Matt Lodge on to the team. Or Warner and Smith could play for the Broncos?

Whatever it takes.

Hendo 25 March 2018

I’m so outraged that I’m considering starting a petition to have “the leadership group” spend a few years in the Manus Island Detention Centre before re-entering Australia.

Dutto 25 March 2018

Send them to work on a South African farm first.

@imchristyrrell 25 March 2018

What would Richie think?

TimR 26 March 2018

It’s the “death of cricket”. They should burn the yellow tape and Smith’s baggy green and put it in a little urn. The next Ashes series will be vs South Africa.

bonzabloke 26 March 2018

I love the leadership and calculating courage of Boof and Smith. Boof obviously was instrumental in this and has let his players take the fall. Smith named "the leadership team " as the instigators. The rationale being they won't sack the whole team, will they? It's a great day to be an Ossie!

Lord Farr-Kernukkel 26 March 2018

This from Jonathan Agnew, BBC

"Ball-tampering has always happened in cricket but it's exceptionally difficult to prove. This time they have someone who has admitted his guilt - he's a captain, the act was premeditated and, worst of all, he has clearly coerced the most inexperienced player in his team to go out and do the dirty work for them, and that's awful.

Australia have very few friends in cricket at the moment. The boorish way in which they've behaved over the years hasn't helped.

The current series between Australia and South Africa has been ill-tempered. There's been bad blood about the way the Australians play the game.

Many in the cricket world will feel a sense of satisfaction today about what they'll see as chickens coming home to roost.

I really think this is an opportunity for the Australian authorities to look very carefully at their game."

P.S. 'Boorish' dictionary definition: "rough and bad-mannered: coarse". Says it all...

Warney 26 March 2018

The Australian Cricket Team is dead to me, this is worse than McGrath/Warne/Haddin bad behaviour, that made it hard to love the team. It has taken me most of my childhood and adult life to get over the underarm bowling with NZ and now this. And to be clear it is the conspiracy that ruins it for me, not the act itself, I know it's a fine line, and everyone gives the ball a nudge, but... I do give props for Steven Smith at least owning it straight up-the others involved can put their own hands up.

They can go and play for Russia as far as I'm concerned.

Kim jong un 26 March 2018


You very norty ozzie for getting cort. You com to PRNK play krikit we tie you to stumps bowl bouncas at ass until you lern cheat no get cort.
Me no watch krikit no more until you lern send ball like my boom boom rokit with no dirt on side in both direction. I allsoo no like trators who stop cheeters from win orl cost, i boom boom CA HQ you sneak back to kaptan cheets, wen people boo u i send my croud kontrol team to take dem far way to konsendtration kamp for long holiday. You keep be bad boy we both nede each uffer we joine tagetha be too mostest baddest muthas on erf hatted by all but peeple we pay for big smile to clap when we sayd to clap no boo loud or we drop boom boom on grund dey stfu, u be rokit mann doun unda mini kim jong un. We no take shite from fake news, ex plaiers, komentators or pollytituns who nede be lected no balls no bat to be diktator liked mee and yoo. Yoo mee, arrrr no, meee yooo we stuck tagetha we Trump all no place in sport losers only winners who cheet, conspire, throw unda buss to be numba uno.

Kim jong un 26 March 2018

Orl ozzies gune soft let emotion rule hed. Neede tuffen up oz men cheat orl time like meee won wife 250 mistressas. Derty ball no big deel, wash off in rain ball more damage hittn big into seets. Parrifin wax on pants polish balls makes balls swing out, wat is wurse clene shiny balls swinging oute or dirty rough balls swinging inn. Good batter hitball no matta which way swing. Mandella rot in jail 35 years kertsy affrikans, ozzie pollys no say howzat for first 20 years now oz peeple want hung my frend Steevie for having one derty ball. Oz so pheebal forget 2 sune weee in PRNK neva firgit.!!! He who cast ferst stone get rokit up kyba pass.

Kim jong un 26 March 2018

Ho long mee loud post be4 get nuclear ban. Most ozzies like do wrong thinga selves but no forgive other. Mee i just like do wrong dont care bout uthas. Kricket is only a game like me teasing Donald Duck it be just fun. Liten up no wonder werld is going to shite ozzies care more about a derty krikit ball than political korruption. How many ex plaiers, kommentators and the public, kame out and bitched bout wastin billion dolla on a non hole that was lot dertyer than a few specks on a krikit ball, or usin tax paya funds to git lected and a millun trying to justifie the wongful act on legal challenge. Will myfrend Steevie be loud milliun to justify why his ball can get dirty without him being hung.

Perspective peeple. Da would is full of idiots.

Kim jong un 26 March 2018

Frum wat i here da ball gets damiged more if it hits an ozzie in the head at three paces and its relly gud when Bancift uses sugar to sweeten it up.. When PRNK invents robotik krikit balls and AI becomes more popla players wil have 20 min fir tea while robotik balls have 15 minutes plus time on for rough sex so no ozzie has to be crucified by his peeple ever agin for roughing the ball up.

TP 26 March 2018

Look, the real issue that no-one even you TItus has addressed is this - did anyone survey the evidence after it went down the pants and where on earth was it being stored??! #eiuwwwww

Joseph Banks 26 March 2018

It makes you want to be a weet bix kid like Smiffy!

Laura McPherson 20 April 2018

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