While no one loves the Barmy Army more than Australians, many of us know little about these mysterious sub-humans who venture to our shores every few years.

Having witnessed this migrating herd up close, I thought it time to educate my fellow Australians about this malnourished army.

• Like its homeland, the Barmy Army is ruled by a strict class system. In descending order it goes; Lower class, lower-lower class, people from Manchester, members of the British Media

• During every tour of Australia, up to 300 members of the Barmy Army die from ‘sunlight’

• The Barmy army have doctors that travel with them to treat scurvy and rickets

• Due to their homeland no longer having an education system for the poor, reading is treated with suspicion amongst the group

• The ‘songs’ the Army ‘sing’ are often the only type of ‘formal’ learning members do in their lives

• The practice of Barmy Army members taking advantage of dental services while on tour has become known within the group as the ‘Ashes Grin’. Improved teeth are met with derision back home

• There is a significant body of evidence which shows the Barmy Army were responsible for the Falklands and Vietnam Wars

• Members of the Barmy Army often have their first experience of fruit and vegetables in Australia

• If you collected all the plastic beer cups the Barmy Army drink on tour, it could build a boat big enough to send them back to England. So, worth doing

• Genome mapping shows all bed lice can be traced back to the Barmy Army

• Australian toothpaste is too strong for members of the Barmy Army and can destroy their last remaining teeth

• The Barmy Army has poured millions of dollars into surfing schools across Australia. Despite this, there are no known cases of English people actually being able to surf

• Apart from sunlight, the top causes of death while on tour in Australia for the Barmy Army are; exposure to vitamins, crocodiles, misunderstandings and Kevin Pietersen

• For most Barmy Army members, seeing blue sky for the first time is both exciting and terrifying

• Claims the Barmy Army never wash are hurtful and untrue. That’s just how they smell

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