Nov 06, 2017
A Highly Unhelpful 2017 Melbourne Cup form guide
Betting on the Melbourne Cup is a sure-fire way to make money. Why my extensive fortune is based solely on a few $2 each way bets I made a few years ago. Here, I’ve examined the field and shared with you the insights I’ve gleaned from not watching any racing since the last Spring Carnival.
1. HARTNELL (Barrier 12).
A horse who enjoys eating grass, frolicking.
2. ALMANDIN (14).
Another horse. Won the Melbourne Cup last year so knows what direction to run in. Also, enjoys eating grass.
3. HUMIDOR (13).
Almost beat Winx in the Cox Plate but being a horse, was not that fussed and is not even aware who Winx is, thinking of her as just another horse. Keen frolicker.
4. TIBERIAN (22).
A French horse, Tiberian has never raced in Australia before. Not that this matters, nation borders mean very little to horses.
As far as Tiberian is concerned, it was shoved into some strange metallic thing which flew in the sky to somewhere else and will now be made to run a long distance to just end up roughly where it started, only to be stuck back into a strange metallic thing and sent back to the stable it always lived in.
In many ways, this is exactly how Jarryd Hayne sees his NFL career.
5. MARMELO (16).
An English horse, which means the predicted maximum temperature of 16 degrees should feel like a heatwave.
Being from overseas, legally, I’m required to refer to it as a ‘raider’. Marmelo is seen as the favourite, along with Almandin, although putting your money on anything English in a sporting capacity is usually a risky move.
6. RED CARDINAL (23).
Continuing our run of horses in the field, Red Cardinal is from Ireland and seen as a favourite. Being a cardinal, I imagine it’s currently in all sorts of legal trouble.
7. JOHANNES VERMEER (3). A Lloyd Williams owned horse. Lloyd is a constant reminder of how battlers can succeed in racing.
8. BONDI BEACH (1).
Was 13th last year and 16th the year before, so has as much chance of winning this race as the actual Bondi Beach.
9. MAX DYNAMITE (2).
At eight years old, Max is more interested in rolling in the sand than running around a track and possibly getting shot if he trips over.
10. VENTURA STORM (6).
Had a terrible Caulfield Cup, but was weirdly indifferent to the result, telling reporters after the race, ‘It’s not like I get a cut of any prize money. Hay’s hay man.’
11. WHO SHOT THEBARMAN. Scratched.
12. WICKLOW BRAVE (8).
As a nine-year-old, Wicklow Brave remembers a simpler time, when racing had only lost its innocence a few thousand times.
13. BIG DUKE (5).
Would certainly be considered big for a Duke but it is not, in reality, a Duke but a horse.
14. US ARMY RANGER (21).
A geographically challenged racehorse, from Ireland but thinks it’s a US Army Ranger. Not popular in parts of the Middle East.
15. BOOM TIME (9).
Won the Caulfield Cup but has been on the turps ever since, spending a lot of time in Las Vegas with Dane Swan and Dustin Martin.
16. GALLANTE (18).
Like myself starts enthusiastically but gets bored after a while and then significantly drops off to become an afterthought.
17. LIBRAN (7).
Named after a star sign, which is fitting given racing form guides are about as accurate as a horoscope.
18. NAKEETA (19).
From Scotland, so has enjoyed getting acquainted with sunlight in Australia.
19 SINGLE GAZE (11).
From Canberra, therefore question marks over its citizenship.
20. WALL OF FIRE (15).
Literally, a wall of fire. Some say it’s reckless to use it in a horse race, but it’s certain to make the horses run faster. Has been brought in to meet the challenge of Sydney’s The Everest race.
21. THOMAS HOBSON (20).
When not eating grass or frolicking, he enjoys sleeping or standing in the shade of a tree.
22. REKINDLING (4).
Another Irish horse. Typical, these foreigners coming here taking our racehorses’ jobs. Is lucky it’s not a person, or it would be on Manus Island dying of thirst.
23. AMELIE’S STAR (10).
A real chance but not a favourite. When people ask who you like in the Melbourne Cup, say Amelie’s Star so it will seem like you have an idea of what you’re talking about as you didn’t just say one of the top three favourites.
24. CISMONTANE (17).
A Gai Waterhouse and Adrian Bott trained horse. The Waterhouses are one of the great horseracing families, meaning they’ve won big races, had members banned from racing and were involved in the Fine Cotton scandal, a conspiracy so inept it makes the Trump-Russia one seem sophisticated.
You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. My aim is to keep as much of my stuff on this site and available to everyone and not behind paywalls. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus