A Highly Unhelpful 2017 Melbourne Cup form guide | Titus O'Reily

You are here

A Highly Unhelpful 2017 Melbourne Cup form guide

Betting on the Melbourne Cup is a sure-fire way to make money. Why my extensive fortune is based solely on a few $2 each way bets I made a few years ago. Here, I’ve examined the field and shared with you the insights I’ve gleaned from not watching any racing since the last Spring Carnival.

1. HARTNELL (Barrier 12). 

A horse who enjoys eating grass, frolicking.

2. ALMANDIN (14). 

Another horse. Won the Melbourne Cup last year so knows what direction to run in. Also, enjoys eating grass.

3. HUMIDOR (13). 

Almost beat Winx in the Cox Plate but being a horse, was not that fussed and is not even aware who Winx is, thinking of her as just another horse. Keen frolicker.

4. TIBERIAN (22). 

A French horse, Tiberian has never raced in Australia before. Not that this matters, nation borders mean very little to horses.

As far as Tiberian is concerned, it was shoved into some strange metallic thing which flew in the sky to somewhere else and will now be made to run a long distance to just end up roughly where it started, only to be stuck back into a strange metallic thing and sent back to the stable it always lived in.

In many ways, this is exactly how Jarryd Hayne sees his NFL career.

5. MARMELO (16). 

An English horse, which means the predicted maximum temperature of 16 degrees should feel like a heatwave.

Being from overseas, legally, I’m required to refer to it as a ‘raider’. Marmelo is seen as the favourite, along with Almandin, although putting your money on anything English in a sporting capacity is usually a risky move.

6. RED CARDINAL (23). 

Continuing our run of horses in the field, Red Cardinal is from Ireland and seen as a favourite. Being a cardinal, I imagine it’s currently in all sorts of legal trouble.

7. JOHANNES VERMEER (3). A Lloyd Williams owned horse. Lloyd is a constant reminder of how battlers can succeed in racing.

8. BONDI BEACH (1). 

Was 13th last year and 16th the year before, so has as much chance of winning this race as the actual Bondi Beach.

9. MAX DYNAMITE (2). 

At eight years old, Max is more interested in rolling in the sand than running around a track and possibly getting shot if he trips over.

10. VENTURA STORM (6). 

Had a terrible Caulfield Cup, but was weirdly indifferent to the result, telling reporters after the race, ‘It’s not like I get a cut of any prize money. Hay’s hay man.’  

11. WHO SHOT THEBARMAN. Scratched.

12. WICKLOW BRAVE (8). 

As a nine-year-old, Wicklow Brave remembers a simpler time, when racing had only lost its innocence a few thousand times.

13. BIG DUKE (5). 

Would certainly be considered big for a Duke but it is not, in reality, a Duke but a horse.

14. US ARMY RANGER (21). 

A geographically challenged racehorse, from Ireland but thinks it’s a US Army Ranger. Not popular in parts of the Middle East.

15. BOOM TIME (9). 

Won the Caulfield Cup but has been on the turps ever since, spending a lot of time in Las Vegas with Dane Swan and Dustin Martin.

16. GALLANTE (18). 

Like myself starts enthusiastically but gets bored after a while and then significantly drops off to become an afterthought.

17. LIBRAN (7). 

Named after a star sign, which is fitting given racing form guides are about as accurate as a horoscope.

18. NAKEETA (19). 

From Scotland, so has enjoyed getting acquainted with sunlight in Australia.

19 SINGLE GAZE (11). 

From Canberra, therefore question marks over its citizenship.

20. WALL OF FIRE (15). 

Literally, a wall of fire. Some say it’s reckless to use it in a horse race, but it’s certain to make the horses run faster. Has been brought in to meet the challenge of Sydney’s The Everest race.

21. THOMAS HOBSON (20). 

When not eating grass or frolicking, he enjoys sleeping or standing in the shade of a tree.

22. REKINDLING (4). 

Another Irish horse. Typical, these foreigners coming here taking our racehorses’ jobs. Is lucky it’s not a person, or it would be on Manus Island dying of thirst.    

23. AMELIE’S STAR (10). 

A real chance but not a favourite. When people ask who you like in the Melbourne Cup, say Amelie’s Star so it will seem like you have an idea of what you’re talking about as you didn’t just say one of the top three favourites.

24. CISMONTANE (17). 

A Gai Waterhouse and Adrian Bott trained horse. The Waterhouses are one of the great horseracing families, meaning they’ve won big races, had members banned from racing and were involved in the Fine Cotton scandal, a conspiracy so inept it makes the Trump-Russia one seem sophisticated.

Order Titus O'Reily's A Thoroughly Unhelpful History of Australian Sport through titusoreily.com and have it signed. 

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. My aim is to keep as much of my stuff on this site and available to everyone and not behind paywalls. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus

Comments

ozsprinter 6 November 2017

Great work Titus. Before reading your tip advice I wasn't too sure on where to bet my hard earned, at least now I have no idea at all! As you also have pointed out there seems to be a lot of horses in this thing, which adds to the confusion.

Dog Food 6 November 2017

Best form guide I've ever read. Never heard of any of these horses except last years winner, which I'd never heard of prior to that race. Wall of Fire seems like the best name, so it will do. Fair chance my dog will be having it for breakfast in 2 weeks.

HQ 6 November 2017

Love your take on the Cup Dog Food! :-)

Jeffrey Darmah 6 November 2017

I like the way they flog em with a stick after they've run all that way, to try and make them run a bit faster at the end.

No Idea! 6 November 2017

Thanks Titus! Being a libran I cannot decide whether to back a horse called Libran who cannot decide whether to win?

No Idea! 6 November 2017

Thanks Titus! Being a libran I cannot decide whether to back a horse called Libran who cannot decide whether to win?

Bigus 6 November 2017

Loved the Max Dynamite comment, he shows rare good sense.

Cheval 6 November 2017

Wouldn't it be funny if a couple of horses fell over and had to be shot, just to further antagonise the vegans?

Andrew D 6 November 2017

So none with a basketball background?

Wayne B 6 November 2017

So none with a basketball background?

Try 'Single Gaze'

TheDuke'sNads 6 November 2017

Apparently Big Duke is a gelding, which the internet tells me, is a result of one of many horrific things humans do to horses because it may or may not result in a better temperament.

Humans are such arseholes.

Erin's Choice 6 November 2017

I favour Erin Philips idea of having a 3 game series to determine the winner. The highest qualifier hosts the first race, second highest the second, first highest the last.

This might be a long spring with a field of 24 qualifiers and a dozen international ggs, but it would be fairer than just one race in Melbourne.

Pancho Pete 6 November 2017

Just beware when one of those Irish horses comes knocking at your door after the race wanting to know if you want your roof fixed.

Tex Walkum 6 November 2017

Recommending a tribute before the race by the horses to the Easter Island performance art from the Adelaide Crows both before, during and after the AFL GF.

Gordon 6 November 2017

So few horses are named for 17th century Dutch genre painters that you simply have to place a bet on Johannes Vermeer.

Silent Partner 6 November 2017

Which one(s) does Ty Vickery own ?

Mark 6 November 2017

Frig...I’ve been busy and away....i clicked on the email & I thought this was the Draft picks....seriously, someone please explain why it can’t be....??

Samir 16 November 2017

Find out if your spouse is cheating on you with mobile surveillance and hack, e-mail and social media, Private Investigations, Back ground check on employee

Computer hack, database hack, Change grades, repair bad credit or any other form of hacking services not mentioned.

Contact: eightspyders@gmail.com

Leave a comment

By submitting this form, you accept the Mollom privacy policy.