If there’s one thing I’ve successfully achieved in this life, it’s never becoming an Olympian.

Sure, you can look at me now and claim it was always inevitable: the awkwardness, poor posture and outright laziness. But it wasn’t always a sure thing (it probably was).

It has actually been a lifelong commitment to the following ten-step program. For those of you who want to ensure you meet your dream of never going to the Olympics as an athlete, here’s how:

1. Goals

Goals are something players kick on TV. You should never actually have them in your life. People who have goals tend to be successful.

You might say: “I like goals – what if I just don’t have any related to Olympic sports?”

Well, be careful there champ. Having goals may result in you achieving them, which builds your confidence and sense of purpose.

Before you know it, you’re on the starting blocks of the 200m freestyle at the Sudan Olympics in 2028, wondering if you should have shaved off all your body hair.

Best to never to have them.

2. Preference to Avoid Physical Activity

We have all met them, these people who actually enjoy physical activity. I’m exhausted just thinking about them.

There are plenty of people who do like physical activity but never make it to the Olympics. Just talk to the people who work at the gym you never quite get to.

What is true is, preferring to stay on the couch or maybe drive down to the shops for a kebab rather than exercise, means you are a lock for never representing your country (except maybe in kebab eating).

3. Not a Morning Person

Hate mornings? Good, you’re in no danger. A considerable amount of Olympic sports seem to require early morning training. Little aths, swimming, the list goes on.

If you find it hard to get out of bed any time before say 11am this means you’ll have no chance of being able to train enough to be any good. Sure, you might be able to do it for a few years in your primary school years but teenage years? You’re dreaming.

4. Inability to delay gratification

A world-class athlete must be able to delay good food, alcohol, rest, relaxation and thinking to achieve their dream. This requires the ability to delay something fun for something less fun.

Who can be bothered? Just in the process of writing this article I stopped to eat some ice cream, won the NBA finals in Association mode on the PlayStation, caught several Breaking Bad episodes I had already seen and ate some more ice cream.

5. Parents that have no interest in driving you

The Olympic superstars of today had parents who were willing to drive them anywhere at anytime. Two hour round trip on a Saturday morning for a 45-minute game? Sure thing, Muscles.

It’s best if your parents prefer to have their own lives on the weekend. A parent who has a strong interest of their own, hopefully based around the arts or antiquing, will be less likely to drive you to that basketball game.

A parent who hates sport is also helpful.

6. Television and video games

Nothing eats up productive time like TV and video games. I remember my brother and I lost a whole week to The Shield a few years ago (totally worth it).

Recently, I took a few days of my life off to complete the new Modern Warfare. I don’t think I even showered.

A deep commitment to couch activities (wow what an awkward phrase, I’ll just trademark that) will ensure you’ll never train enough to be any good.

7. A deep spiritual connection to the great indoors

Evan Dando of The Lemonheads once sang:

I can’t go away with you on a rock climbing weekend

What if something’s on tv and it’s never shown again

It’s just as well I’m not invited, I’m afraid of heights

I lied about being the outdoor type

Everyone goes on about the outdoors and “nature’’ being “so amazing.” Oh yeah, is that why we’ve spent all of human history trying to get out of it?

It’s not popular to say it but let’s face it, the great indoors are just….better.

If you agree with the above: congrats, you just wiped out the chance to participate in a large amount of Olympic events.

8. Cheese

Cheese is delicious and if you eat enough of it, you can really lower your fitness.

Coupled with the other steps in this guide, cheese will have you out of shape in no time. You will also be very happy.

Go for the French cheeses that have the consistency of butter. I suggest D’Affinois (similar to Brie) which you can just eat on its own, like a whole wheel. In one sitting.

9. Disliking being part of a team

Team sports involve individuals suppressing their own needs for the good of the team, except the NBA.

If you are someone who never lasts long in the same job, receives few invitations to social events and is not fond of putting others first, this probably applies to you.

You may also just find showering with others repulsive (it is).

10. Finding individual sports too solitary

All those hours alone practising can make a person yearn for a team environment.

Especially if that team environment is a group of sycophants you managed to cultivate over the years.

It takes a fair ego to want to take up an activity you primarily do alone, unless of course that activity could fit under the umbrella term “Couch Activities™.”